For any of you wondering why I have written my posts in third person, it has a very personal touch to it.
As a kid, I always felt a bit let down by myself for I could never expressed myself. Not once. I guess from somewhere it got programmed into me that what your parents tell you is the best for you and everyone else around you. “Fair enough”, – I may have thought. But what they failed to tell me is I need to talk to let myself out of the cage which was fast filling up with crying, yelling, screaming, dying ideas. It was a young mind. I may have had a thousand things I may have said or told but none ever came out. And so died the ideas, the thoughts and the spirit. The funny thing is, I never got the thought that it was my muted-ness that was letting me down and it could be corrected. Even funnier is the thought that I always believed that people are forever gonna be around me to correct me, to guide me ‘coz if they ever were, they were never around to hear me, feel me. help me. Not that I blame them, for all of them had their own skeletons in their closets to deal with. They dealt with them, could deal with them for they were mature. I couldn’t as I was small. I didn’t know what it meant and what it’s repercussions were. By the time I was prepared enough to deal with them, so was my life to fuck me over and over till nothing but shambles remained. The problem was, my skeletons never came out. They remained, they remain and will forever remain ‘coz they can’t be revealed. They can destroy my world.
But it wasn’t like me right now. I talk, I say what I believe in and I give a fuck to people who say things behind my back for they never have had balls to face me. Face me bullshitters. I will say it if it’s right and condemn it if it’s not. This is me right now – on your face.
This is me but the childhood guy was him. The one I despise, the one I hate for he ruined my life. He is my past. I wish I could just push him into a closet and lock the door forever but I can’t. He is strong. He has powers over me, ones I can’t escape, ones I’m spell-casted under.
Funnily enough, Winamp is playing songs that are fueling my rage to its absolute limit –
1. Words are weapons by Eminem
2. Fall into sleep by Mudvayne.