Quit? No quit. I’m so bad at getting used to things on the first place that quitting never becomes a question, except for a few habits that need quitting but I haven’t made serious efforts to quit yet.
My bad habits include chewing Rajnigandha pan masala (that according to ads will kill me someday) and thinking out loudly (during my college days, my friends used to tell me that they could hear me thinking) and there is another one but I can’t reveal it (adult content).
I did make a serious effort once to quit pan masala and it lasted really long. I went cold turkey on it. Just one day I woke up and I felt like throwing up at the mere thought of eating it again. And so it stopped. I then started a foray into a very healthy lifestyle. I joined a gymnasium, ate my breakfast and watched what I ate. It was torturous at first to “think and eat” than “eat and think”. But I got used to it. That persisted for 6 months. But somehow bad things have a habit of making their presence known and it started again and hasn’t stopped ever since. I’ve tried giving it up again and again using different methods, most of them were gradual but the lust for it in my mind just doesn’t ever evaporate. So now I have given up on giving it up.
The other habit, I don’t think its too bad. Just that I have now come to believe that the rage inside my head has lost it’s bounds on volume of its screams. And hence, I may mumble out what I’m thinking. I’ve never asked anyone, how do I look when I’m doing that but that’s more because I don’t care what they think. I am often seen nodding my head in affirmation or otherwise, my expressions often change when someone is talking to me and I’m least interested in his blabber because I have more important stuff going inside my head. The latest observation was given by one of my three best friends. He returned home from US for a vacation this December and we hung out for sometime. All he had to tell my wife was – “He goes into sudden coma. You don’t know if he’s even listening”.
You know, a friend of mine once told me that these involuntary actions occur when the link between your physical existence and mind breaks. Your body doesn’t always follow what your mind tells you to. And I somehow connected with him then but I can’t think now how it actually happens?. The way he thinks is – if he forgets something very routine, he says ,”What happened? When did I sleep?” I can’t get it in my head. He is into all those spiritual things and its examples, completely ignorant of intricate realities.
So, have I ever made any attempt to curb this urge of mine to think loudly?
Do I want to?
– No! I don’t find it even minutely bothering while it does bother people around me. It does help my wife though. She can make out what I’m thinking about without me even telling her about it, a part of her I’m absolutely in love with!
Either ways, I am happy with the way things are and I think that’s whats more important. Happy ending? Endings are happy if it ever ends. Mines are yet to end. They’re all hung midway.