Oh man! 2 days full of blogs in my mailbox, hard work pouring out from so many of them and all of them crave for an embrace, a touch, a tap to let them know that they are “Well Done”! Keep up the brilliant work people… keep my brain entertained and involved. Give me ideas and I’ll give you some. We are a network – just us, no “foreigners”, no outsiders! You care for my blog and I’ll take care of yours! Give and take – share! We share so much – a passion for writing, reading, embracing strangeness, apt thoughts, discussion and a very real tendency to despise physicality! We are very happy with words and the images they create.
It’s one of those images I’ll talk about now. The invisible man.
Has anyone ever noticed, how we do somethings only for the sake of an imaginary image, who always watches you. Whether you are alone or in a crowd, it’ll always be just you and him. All the mannerisms you inhabitate throughout your life, we adopt them for that man watching us from some angle, out of your peripheral vision. He wants you to do things in one particular way. The correct way.
Even the people who say they don’t care for pretenses, like myself, do some things out of habit, only to get a smile on that faceless man! That faceless man who starts watching you, very early in your life, starts getting a face, not from your mirror but people who’ve influenced you the most.
I’m a case in point. I always feel that whatever I do, I do it for an imaginary man, who’s not fat but isn’t lean either. He’s an ideal image. I feel guilty if I don’t do things the correct way because they didn’t satiate that imaginary man! I feel he’d now be shaking his head saying “there goes the fool again” or “does he ever listen to me?”. “Why do you drive fast when you only make a difference of 5 minutes between the speeds of 80 mph and 95 mph?”! I just keep trying to appease him. Sometimes I pass and there’s a high-five, sometimes I fail and show a finger to his face.
He’s the man I listen to first and only then reply. Hence, I’m slow to respond. I have to listen to him for he’s my correct voice. The voice of equality and fairness. He watches everything while I watch only what matters. He’s my answer to all my do’s and dont’s.
I wonder if he’s my conscience or if I’m going nuts. When I laugh, somewhere inside me, I feel like I’m watching another man laughing too, only that he’s much smarter, has better voice, has a fuller laugh , and knows a lot more than I do. There’s never a conversation between him and me. He always knows my questions before I even ask them. He’s always 2 steps ahead of me, only to make matters far worse than they ever are. I feel he’s the reason for a timeless guilt.
Is it a disorder? I feel fine. I love everyone who deserves love. I hate everyone. I don’t ever run away from anything. But deep down I feel I’m being torn apart into two.
I’m not the only one who feels that there’s always someone watching us though. He’s definitely not God, for I feel him. I feel him around me. Just a few days ago, I think I felt his touch on my shoulder. It scared the shit out of me. And then during lunchtime, a colleague of mine, asked me about this third person himself. He had a lot more difficulty explaining it to me than I’m having explaining it to you. See just now, the other man asked me “Are you sure that you are communicating fine?” – oozing sarcasm. Trust me, I’m not talking to myself. It’s another man.
Can anyone please explain it to me? Please tell me I’m not the only one. Just to explain how lazy I am, or have been, I thought of this post about a year back and it comes out only now!