I was lost. I had gleefully claimed to have found light never knowing that even darkness has disguises. It nearly consumed me. My passivity had had it’s versions but this was one of its most glorious forms. I am now very well aware of who I am on the other side. The other side of me is like the other side of Hulk. Hulk has just one motto – SMASH.
My darkness has one motto – HURT! It was a revenge. A revenge on this world for having treated me so bad. And I never could have enough of that revenge. We never can, can we? Sometimes I feel it is so cruel to feel such delight in someones agony caused by your revenge. But this sudden will to hurt others simply drives us to the pit that we thought will accommodate the world. But No. I made a journey down this endless pit I had dug up, this abyss, and back, and I now feel cured. The dark undertones of sound in each ear now make me pity my other self every moment. How weak and pathetic was I?
My blood toxicity reached a peak after 17 years of blithe ignorance towards my body. The marks on my face, the fat under my skin, the cry for attention underneath the happy façade – all have had their moments of crest. In trying to hurt others, I hurt myself so much, pain became the shadow to this darkness, a friend I always called for distraction.
I needn’t look any further than myself to know what pessimism means. Not anymore. As I complete a month of sobriety, the only promise I can make to myself is that the promises I make to myself again, will never feel the need for a call. Action and not words will lay the foundation for my course. Not that I’ll stop writing, rather writing will determine my actions. Actions that make me win each day in some way.
No more shaky start to my days. No more blurred visions and no more dreadful dreams. No slouching, no taking shit from anyone. If you’ve got the guts to try to knock my confidence down, my guts will not hold back either. No more being scapegoat-ed. No more cries for attention. If its my past that encourages my present, so be it. It’s the only book that teaches me. An unforgettable memoir of pain, humiliation, bad tastes in the mouth, knock outs and some love when I least expected it.