It’s always been a mystery to me how people can create their future in their heads and act accordingly now. For me my future is a blur. I’ve always been the reactive kind, dancing to the tunes that life plays for me. I’m so involved in my today that I hardly ever get time to think about tomorrow, bless those who can see others futures too. Is it intuition that they talk about? Or are they simply differently gifted? I believe I am gifted but my gift lies more enjoying my now than going after something that won’t necessarily be there for me as I see it.
Some people tell me that all it takes is knowing yourself better, knowing your preferences and an inclination to act to your whims today. That’s what I do I guess but when I ask questions, they tell me I have to set an intention for whatever I want to achieve? For which material goal should I set an intention for when nothing material interests me any more. My goals are all subjective like attaining total freedom, from the society, from the corporates, to find out what I’m here for and simply go after it.
I guess I need to fill myself with love and abandon all fear to attain what I’m after. Just on course though, to don’t know where, and while I’m at it let me say thanks to all the lessons I’m learning and how I’m being enabled to shed and heal.
This tryst with time,
These moments of victory,
These moments of significance,
And some not so.
A treasure in the making,
Of experiences as vivid as colors themselves.
I seldom inebriate,
I seldom celebrate.
But the first sparkle of light today,
In this Spring,
Ignites a reinvigorated need to splurge,
To once again test the depth of my being,
To once again dip a toe in this sea of pain,
Wake this demon child that I once put into deep slumber,
And vowed to never wake it again.
This sudden feeling of calm even as I merely write about it,
Is so menacing, so pleasuring,
The demon child smiles,
For it gets to play again,
In the dark and rowdy waters,
My tears of happiness.
See that road?
Flanked by fields of ashes of all that the dead ones touched.
See those corpses walking?
All in their ties and suits.
That swanky walk,
The elusive persona,
Light as feather, silky smooth.
Those deep hollow eyes,
The tiny black holes,
Still wanting, still needing,
Thirsty for more, hungry for more,
Their eyes meet yours.
They think they talk,
A shriek in pain is what you hear,
Crying, craving for attention,
To find an undeserving place in your life,
Pleading for an exception,
To a rule, this one rule of your existence,
“Live and let live”.
I just look away,
Like you aren’t even there,
Like you’re dead,
Like my past.
P.S. – YES! You are dead to me if you won’t let me live.
Death? Think about it and it feels rather strange. I don’t worry about the aftermath, why should I? I’m dead, aren’t I! But I do have an aging fear of the moment when I meet it. Right when I’m closing my eyes, I think I want peace!
Peace in the thought that I haven’t harmed someone, that the world won’t miss me when I’m gone and the knowledge that the people I loved, loved me back. I think I won’t live very long and I don’t want to, and yet I want to be cared about by the people and things I cared about after I’m gone. I don’t want people to cry around me when I’m dying. I hope the best people of my life get to be around me when I’m dying unless it’s on the road to office or back where all there’ll be are strangers.
2. Buy a computer table and a proper ergonomic chair to go with it.
3. Buy myself a tablet to keep a regular tab on my WordPress feed.
4. Join a gym or buy a treadmill.
5. Get the air conditioner in my hall repaired.
Now how would these affect me if I get ’em all done?
My new website will be a larger motivation for me to blog regularly. It was always a wish of mine and it’ll be a huge burden off my shoulders to start blogging on a website owned by me.
I need to buy a computer chair that doesn’t let me fold my legs beneath it. I also need to buy a computer table that accommodates my PC better and leaves enough room for books around it. So I can create my own corner in my home, something that remains undisturbed.
I need to buy a tablet so I can start blogging on the move and don’t sit idle when I have time to spare. My current gadget for reading blogs is a 4 inch screen that delivers some real stress on my eyes and a very small touch keyboard for my rather large fingers, also the reason why I don’t text a lot.
I need to build a gymnasium at my home. Something that motivates me to rise early. The place where I live isn’t very ideal for early morning cycling or running, and ergo a gymnasium at home. My health requires some serious attention as my parents are teaching me to be.
I also need to get the air conditioner of my hall repaired. The switch blew off a month ago and I haven’t used it since. But I love my sofa and as it provides some open space for my thoughts, a cooler hall won’t do any harm to me and my dog.
In continuation to my ideas, here’s another one. WordPress can have a refresh option when you right-click on the graph that exists on the top bar. That refresh option will show the current stats without the need to refresh the website and that way, that refresh can be accessed from any other WordPress website as well. That ways, we won’t have to visit the stats page every time we wanted to know, what the current status of our readership is.
I have an idea for WordPress. They can develop a reminder in the notification area on the top right hand side, to remind the blog owners of unattended comments. Give the owners the ability to turn this feature on or off, so that those who think that it interrupts their normal function, aren’t disturbed. But I think not many will keep it off, for it’ll only make the functioning easier and hence, swifter. That way, no owner will miss a single comment and a sense of sincerity and appreciation will prevail!
Currently, if the owner has a set it to check only once if the commentator has a WordPress account and to auto-approve all later comments, the newer comments may get missed. I’ve never tried any other setting for my current setting is my comfort zone. But just a suggestion! 😀
Okay, here’s the new deal – I see anyone liking their own posts, I’ll simply unfollow them, no matter how good their posts are! The ‘like’ button is for others apart from your physical self, to like your posts. Even when you are operating 2 different blogs, you do not, absolutely not, like your own posts! It’s not cheating, but it definitely gives a clear sign that whatever you do online is for numbers, something I stand against!
Man I have so much to write and absolutely no will to do it! I’m in pain (not physical), this heartache is the first one I don’t really understand. I feel so uptight, like it’s all stuffed and it has no outlet. I think that’s what the aim of my life has become – suppress it, cook it, and let it all out in one loud burst. This is no anger. It’s just a lot of stuff being grinded to fine, undefined crystals, that are refracting my rays of hope of love and a good life into a confusing array of colors. I have to pick one but like a dreaming child, I want it all and savor it all. I want to capture it in my fists and never let them out, so I can choose one whenever I want to.
I’ve said these two words a lot in the last few weeks! I need an opinion though – do I come out weak when I say them and seem weak too or I may seem weak but I always come out strong? Is there any third alternative?
Please pardon me for I’ve ignored your posts for yesterday. Seriously, you post so many hilarious meme’s in a day, it’s hard enough to laugh on all of them, it’s even harder to go through them all! Kindly try to put them all in single easily readable posts, so it’s easy enough to read for all of us.
I dedicate this song to that string in every heart that plucks when something breath-taking passes by your eyes!
Don’t get hooked ‘coz the best is yet to come! 😀
I dedicate this song to my wife, for every once in a while I feel I should’ve grown up with her, known her, loved her from that very first sight and told her only when time was second perfect! Oh I wish! Man I’m so full of love tonight… it’s incredible!
Is the time right? Why am I so terrified and yet some chords are easing the breathing, should I ask her out again?
I’m perplexed. A year and half into my journey at WordPress, I am yet to understand, why can’t I and how do I engage Indian readers?
I am sure, my efforts to engage them may surely have lagged and so except for a select few, none have continued their journey with me. I keep asking myself, why don’t I reconcile better with my fellow countrymen? Anyone who would want to simplify my situation?
Just finished watching 50/50… When the guy entered the hospital for his operation, tears welled up! Brilliant build up to that sequence in which he finds out that how his parents and best buddy prepared to deal with his illness! Loved it!
Aaaaahh it’s a nice feeling, ain’t it? When you head home after some real routing at the hands of life. And now you have your hands full of the positives that life offered you and bad days are apparently over! This is my first trip in a long time when I’ll actually stay stress free at home. Let me not jinx it by saying it again and again but I’m a little light-headed these days. For the first time in a long time, I may feel the light and the wind battering my face and nod and say – Yes… this feels good!
It’s not the destination that I’m very excited about, not that I’m not excited about meeting my parents after 3 months, but I’m really excited about the journey. I may even not sleep tonight. I may read. Yes, I’ll read. The book will be decided at the railway platform. And that’s why I want to reach early. I want to carefully select a book and improve my reading skills. Care to suggest one to me anyone?
For any of my friends there reading this post, if you are in Bhopal, I’ll be there for a couple of days and may have a few leisure hours (give and take) to spend. Keep me posted!
For my readers, I may not blog at all or may just write a couple of short pieces. No serious effort will be made to post for I’ll unwind in the silence of those lazy weekend afternoons on a couch that’s made for a slouch like me. I may even write a review of the book I’ll read. Good things are on their way!