Yin and Yang

Morality. Ayn Rand defines the word as –

defines a code of values to guide man’s choices and actions – the choices and actions that determine the course of his life.

There is male, there is female. There is one, there are many, there is none. There is pleasure, there is pain. There is earth, there is sky or water. You pick 2 things that the faculty of human mind has deemed antagonistic, inimical or simply just opposite. And if you have trouble coming to a conclusion that neither is right nor wrong, you have to start observing. Simply observe. Observe how you have both the male and female inside you. How your body is built around combining the power of both the energies; how each one of us is the living embodiment of Ardhnarishwar! We only ever forgot about them because our brains are now conditioned to run for logic (left brained) leaving creativity (right brained) by the wayside.

We were probably created by that one point sized source of energy that, probably in a dream or humor, decided to part into two, a moment in which it was unconscious or who knows conscious. It may have had no business dividing itself, but now that it had divided itself, everything that came later had to have 2 parts to every part of it (you see how I’m running towards logic here, leaving creativity by the wayside). I just want to say that we’re all built of two. A “two” that comes from one. And as everything is built of two, the universe gives you two of everything that are often polar opposite of each other. Yin and Yang, Black and White, 0 or 1 – it’s up to you to simply choose one. Nothing is wrong, nothing is right – it’s all a perception, a choice made in a situation presented to you cemented by your agreement to accept the inevitable result, which in itself is exposed to infinite possibilities. These choices that you make, make up your morality; a propensity to choose in a certain way given similar set of conditions in the future.

There you go, that’s morality for me – we’re all one, made up of infinite. I’ve always known that I’m different. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I am not the regular guy I seem to be on the outside. I’ve struggled to deal with people and mostly because I trust too easily and I am very emotional. It was hard finding truths about myself because I was always surrounded by people who never shared my priorities or philosophies. Yes, only now do I realize that I’ve always had philosophies. And only now am I able to shape them, mend their architecture to love myself more. The societal “responsible” tag has remained forever with me and it’s something I don’t wish to give up but now I place myself on priority too. I wish to give myself opportunities to love and fall but with grace and never having to hurt anyone which in most cases is, never inciting ill feelings inside another human heart. My work will only be limited to keeping a clean sheet between 2 hearts but being infinite with myself, never purging an emotion or action if it relieves me or keeps me in a zero unhindered state.

I am my truths and fallacies and so I am the living embodiment of my morality. I know there is a lot that I can change about me that’ll make my masters and God proud of me but somewhere I know they are already proud of who I am today and how far I have come.

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The Goddess Energy

Why are we here?

We’re a swarm,

Created for that one purpose,

To work on that one goal,

To make mistakes,

To love again and again..

To trust the universe,.

To know that it’s the same for all of us,

To be one again,

To meet our maker.

We’re the bees,

We exist for the queen,

We exist to create that one home,

Our hive, our heaven unseen.

We’re different,

And yet are one.

Separated by the mind,

We dug a hole.

Forgot one another,

Forgot we’re the same chi,

To realize that potential,

Our Goddess Energy!

Why The Prejudice?

Our parents love us. They only think the best for us and it’s very natural for them to be protective of us for we are their prized assets. Their lives revolve around us and I’ll forgive them if, during our childhood, they leave us bereft of certain experiences only because they think it’s dangerous. But sometimes what starts as protectionism from parents, if let out of control, ends up culminating into a barrier for us to experience our true being. They try and change things in us without knowing fully the implications it may have on us later.

One such phenomenon in our society is parents trying to change the dominant hands of their children. India is a land of a trillion mesmerizing things and one of them are superstitions. And it is quite natural that some of those fallacies are built around the taboo that is associated to the use of left hand. Let’s take it from the top when the child is born with a dominant left hand. A child is born with no such knowledge and if the behaviour is never interrupted, he may never notice that he is out of ordinary or ominous in any way. Imagine how normal his life would be. However, if he hands over his money with his left hands in our society, he is asked to change the hands first and then give it again, for it is wrong to hand over money with left hands. Now try and concentrate on the dilemma and embarrassment a child would face when he is asked to shy away from the most mundane inclination of using his left hand and he isn’t wrong at all. Superstitions such as below have forever kept as befooled –

  1. Performing any ritual with left hand is ominous and God won’t accept your gift. Really? Don’t our religious books say that you are perfect in God’s image of a perfect child? He only asks you to be in gratitude for the gifts he has rendered to you and a left hand is one of them!
  2. We’re also deterred from using our left hands to eat or cook and these limitations are most commonly dished out upon females who use kitchens more than men do. It is claimed by various studies that females are lesser prone to be born left handed and so, if ever a female around us is a southpaw; simply observe the uniqueness without judgement and prejudice.

Now recall the Indian hygiene habits in our Indian toilets. Do you think that’s where everything went wrong for Indians who were born left handed and then were forced to change their dominant hand? Wouldn’t correct hygiene habits get us rid of all the dogma? Had some of the famous southpaws been scorned for using their left hand, we wouldn’t have witnessed those Amitabh fight scenes that we whistled on, or Yuvraj’s 6 sixes in an over, or that first over hat-trick by Irfan Pathan against Pakistan. To sum it up, DON’T EVER meddle with the intuition that your child is born with.

An Unbound Rage

That mental cacophony,

That uncompressed yell,

That undulating pain,

The hurt your heart felt,

That sickness in your belly,

Those trembling hands,

Those clenched muscles,

That need to dish out fear,

That sadistic streak,

Those flickering eyes,

Those shallow breaths,

Those pulsating nerves,

That short gulp,

Trigger to a Slur!

 

Sweet Dreams 

Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep.

Away from the window, the truth,

The love, the faith, the people.

Watch those sheep jumping, pumping, hurtling rhythmically to the end of the screen and back again.

Count them so you forget the past,

The tormentors, the dictators,

The freedom seekers, the truth lovers.

Let our reality be the one you live,

Let our truth be all you see.

Sleep my baby.

Sweet dreams!

Her Song

Imagine.

A butterfly unfold,

With belligerent glittering wings,

She begins to fly,

Leaving a trail of gold.

Touching the sky at one,

For her limits are none.

Grazing the fall,

Touching the leaves,

Petting the flowers,

Wind blows it to the sea.

She leaps again,

This time, she won’t sway

For she knows her way.

While she heads for the stars,

She knows she can’t look back,

She believes in it now,

There’s no hiding any more,

When she lights the heavens on fire!

Future Haze

It’s always been a mystery to me how people can create their future in their heads and act accordingly now. For me my future is a blur. I’ve always been the reactive kind, dancing to the tunes that life plays for me. I’m so involved in my today that I hardly ever get time to think about tomorrow, bless those who can see others futures too. Is it intuition that they talk about? Or are they simply differently gifted? I believe I am gifted but my gift lies more enjoying my now than going after something that won’t necessarily be there for me as I see it.

Some people tell me that all it takes is knowing yourself better, knowing your preferences and an inclination to act to your whims today. That’s what I do I guess but when I ask questions, they tell me I have to set an intention for whatever I want to achieve? For which material goal should I set an intention for when nothing material interests me any more. My goals are all subjective like attaining total freedom, from the society, from the corporates, to find out what I’m here for and simply go after it.

I guess I need to fill myself with love and abandon all fear to attain what I’m after. Just on course though, to don’t know where, and while I’m at it let me say thanks to all the lessons I’m learning and how I’m being enabled to shed and heal.

Infosys Bus System

Credit for image – http://biswajit-svmchaser.blogspot.in/2016_04_01_archive.html

It’s a fact that I’m hugely averse to using public transport in any form and would prefer my bike (that I owned) any day. But when I relocated to Pune i.e. my new workplace in the state of Maharashtra, I decided that I’ll make up for all those days when I didn’t walk enough in Delhi. Fortunately or unfortunately, Indian government makes you pay a lot of money to transfer your vehicle from one state to another and when it comes to moving to Maharashtra, it’s even more painstaking. And so to avoid a lot of headaches in dealing with authorities and bribing them, I conveniently sold my bike away before I shifted to Pune and in keeping to my promise to the environment and my body, haven’t bought another vehicle till date.

When I joined my new company, I found out that they have a flourishing bus service for employees and that it is relatively cheap. So I decided that this will be my preferred mode of commute. I found out that what the company charges for the bus service is nearly the same amount I used to spend for fueling my bike in Delhi and given the fact that I won’t spend on maintaining my bike anymore made the deal all too sweet. I was not comfortable though at first because of an unrelenting belief that anything cheap has to be substandard. And how wrong was I? It’s been 2 years now and I’m glad that I made that decision because not only does my company manage that service excellently well, they also deserve accolades for encouraging employees to use it and I’ve seen tremendous acceptance from the employees for that initiative and it in turn gives them a greater sense of satisfaction.

The move aims to reduce all types of pollution and traffic on the roads, especially in Pune which has mostly 2 lanes on every road, which in itself is a huge pain. The roads are often filled with people driving solo in their Range Rover’s and other ginormous cars which frankly is an appalling behavior. Not only do those morons not think about the environment but they remain aloof to the misery of hundreds and thousands of others who struggle to find inches to even stand beside the roads. These morons don’t think twice before getting off the road to pass people at the front thereby putting so many lives in danger only to save a maximum of 2 minutes per journey. Anyway, I can ramble on and on about them but that’s not what we’re here to do.

Again fortunately or not, the route that our bus follows has me on the last stop for pickup and first stop for the drop. Why fortunate? Because it takes me the least amount of time to reach my office and the same to get back home. Why not-so fortunate? Because as my company has started pushing the employees to use company buses more than their cars, which is better for the environment, the buses to the office come nearly full to capacity at my stop and it sometimes gets tricky to get a seat in them. But that doesn’t ever deter me from using the bus service.

The coverage, in terms of kilometers, in the city is immense. They touch nearly every major area in the city and have multiple buses for the routes on which the number of employees boarding the buses is significantly large. I don’t believe anyone from us bus users has had to hail a cab or an auto-rickshaw because none of the buses had space to accommodate them. For example, my bus stop has buses arriving at every 20-25 minutes from 8 am to 10:30 am, which is awesome considering our area houses a large number of employees because of its vicinity to the company.

What’s another great fact about using these buses is that I get time to either meditate or read books or listen to music or simply browse through the pages for news that may interest me. I like that time a lot. It’s best for the environment and for me too, as I get to walk an extra kilometer everyday apart from what I walk in the office campus.

The bus drivers, while some of them drive in earnest to reach the destinations, are very safe and receive instructions for routes in case heavy traffic or jam is foreseen or noticed in some areas. That way, they can go around the problematic areas without causing a lot of hassle to the employees. The drivers are quite smart too and remember all their routes and the alternate ones in detail. They have been trained to identify company identity cards so that only the employees board the buses and no one else.

One of the most spectacular thing about the entire bus system is the bus-bay where employees board and off-board the buses and that houses the buses during their idle time. The entire roster for the buses is prepared meticulously and barring some strange circumstances, the buses always arrive and leave on time from their parking slots. The buses are neat and tidy barring some for which you can raise complaints and they’re addressed rather quickly.

Not that I wanted to bore you guys with the details but I have learnt that among the barrage of crap news we hear and read everyday, and we’re thick and charging to read bad reviews, it’ll be a welcome change if someone said something good, about something that really does work with clockwork precision. My praise is where its deserved best and the Infosys bus system deserves the best accolades.

Left Handers – The Eccentricity in the Crowd

Let’s admit it – southpaws are attractive! They look so regal when they pick that pen up to sign a cheque or when they pick up a cricket bat and caress that cover drive. Stand across the court to a certain Rafael Nadal (tennis) or Carolina Marin (badminton) and you’ll know you are headed towards an unchartered territory; a territory that you may not be very well equipped to handle as a right hander. You can almost feel a different wave of energy around them. Hold the left hand of a right handed person and then hold the left hand of a southpaw, you’ll notice a certain enigma about the left hander. It’s like a different, unheard and unfelt mode of communication. The touch of a left hander would say a lot, for the way our body is cross-wired – left hand is connected to the right hemisphere of our brain while the right hand is connected to the left hemisphere. And that’s why left handers think and behave differently than others.

Just to let you in on the purposes of the right and left hemispheres of our brain, the right one, that controls the left hand, is the creative and imaginative side aka the feminine side of our personality while the left one, that controls the right hand, is the logical side associated with the actual brainy and masculine functions. Around 13% of the world population is left handed and most of them are genetically gifted with this trait. It’s very easy to find that left handers are exceptional with activities and sports that require hand-eye coordination and are therefore superb at ball sports. People with a dominant right brain are incredibly creative and visual thinkers as well.

Apart from the aura and intimidation that southpaws carry, they also carry something invisible to eyes of a layman – the agony of using items created purely for the use of right handers. Try and observe the tiny objects of daily use and their placement around us and ask yourself this – how would and should this be for a left hander and where would it be placed correctly for him. It is then it’s realized how different and difficult this world is for southpaws. Fortunately though, people and organizations are becoming aware of this and are working towards making their life a tad bit easier. Websites like The Left Hand Shop are creating and sourcing plethora of daily use items for left handers and making them available in India. Check it out, it’s pretty cool actually.

So next time you see a left hander, don’t bore them by asking the same old question –  “Are you a lefty?” Instead just enjoy their demeanor and feel lucky that you are in esteemed company of a gifted individual.

I Promise!

I’ve thanked you guys a lot before and I continue do so for having loved and visited my sacred home – my blog!

Ever since I started writing here, in this space, I’ve never once thanked my blog itself! The deep connection I have with this place is bearing fruits now. The hundreds of posts – some in context and some out of it, some inebriated or some not so, some happy or some morose, some that intrigued me as well – are my treasure of knowledge and experiences I could share and those that I vow to continue to share with you, my ever so lovely audience!

I write this post, not because I’m nostalgic, but because I’m starting to realize that I’ve never thanked myself enough – to have put my mind, my soul and this body in such precarious situations, to have never thanked them and that the only place that carries most of what I’ve said and done is this blog, making it all the more crucial that I thank this space itself!

During the past few months, since I’ve started to connect to a special place within me, I’ve often come back to this haven to seek answers. I wonder now how true some of the observations still are? And how the hell did I know all that way back then i.e. 3 years ago? And most importantly, how the hell did I dare forget them? Well I know the answer to the last question, because I may have been drunk as hell… probably… well, just kidding!

I am almost on the verge of starting again, to write, to revel in the chatter that my dear readers indulge in, and the love I get for getting creative in my own silly ways. But there are still final hurdles to cross and one of them is – laziness. This just has to go. I have had it with this bugger for it sucks the zest out from my life. I forgot the only reason I started to write was to let myself out, not to please people or give in to their taste but create my own, no matter how bitter it may taste.

I’ve also realized that I have punished myself voluntarily for every lapse in schedule to deliver on my work of art. It distracts me, it hurts me, it handicaps my thinking and morale. I’ve had enough of this lackadaisical attitude and it’s time that I pull my socks up again. My journey to self-discovery had started with this blog. It served its purpose dutifully and honestly but I’ve not been honest to it. And it’s time now to reciprocate all that this place has given me.

There’s no getting out of this promise and nothing must deter me. It’s time to shape up!

 

I’ll Rename Ya – Like it or not!

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Flangiprop!.”

All families have a nasty little habit of renaming things and people around them. We do it based on certain special characteristics of the thing or person. I’ve done some renaming myself. I call myself ‘SAM’, my wife ‘BACHCHA’ (meaning kiddo). I renamed my dog and he has plenty of names – ‘BOBO’, ‘DOMBU’, ‘BUCHU’, ‘DEEBO DAABO’, ‘SHREKA’, ‘OMBO’ when his actual name is Shrek.

So… I’ll assign the word ‘Flangiprop’ to my dog dancing with a hoop around his belly. Seems kind of funny… Think about it – Shrek rotating his belly with a hoop around it – ‘Flangiprop’.

The word in a sentence – I saw my dog ‘Flangipropping’ today!

True Happiness

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Lazy Learners.”

I think I may have looked like this guy a couple of times while walking down the streets, metal banging deep into my ear drums – crazy enough that I would just not jump in the air to relieve the rush. It must have started in my toddler years when I started counting beats and moving my wrists and ankles to every beat.

I have no clue when this crazy habit turned into a long held and suppressed passion. Yes, I’m talking about drumming. Yearnings often have a strange way to fill voids around you. They just simply pop up when you are least prepared for them. You’d have no money, no resources, no motivation to start a new chapter. But this is how and when life throws you tests to check if you’re still that kid who’d give anything to hit a six on the first ball of every over, to take a wicket with the first ball that you bowl – to test your zeal.

It came and went by, multiple times – the opportunity to start drumming. I’d have no money or the studio would be far or I’ll simply be lazy enough to not let even an earthquake move me from my bed and each time it felt like I missed a train and with it, the journey to all good and adventurous things. And when I think about it now, all the while I was simply avoiding the journey to start finding myself and my truer purpose.

I have this crazy habit of killing myself and my ambitions before building new ones. It starts with a simple and an insignificant compromise made in the name of benevolence wherein I’ll give my chocolate away or skip a pizza to provide for a cab ride for my wife. You know it’s these kind of things that birth a lackadaisical attitude. I have a tendency to wait for opportune moments to arrive when I’ll best savor the pleasures that I indulge in. But sadly, it has never served me well, or that’s how feel right now – left behind, cowering from the harsh realities of this world.

I’m evolving as all things do. And with it I’m learning the important factor that governs all things – TIME. And as each moment passes me by, this incredible urge to finish all that’s yet incomplete is killing all the patience I’ve accumulated in my 30 years past. It feels that I must miss no train again. And if it means losing something precious, so be it, for all good things that you do for yourself compensate for other good things that aren’t really high on longevity.

So now when I play inside the jamming room and the calf muscles start to burn, I think about all the times I have ditched this pleasure – my pleasure in order to pleasure others. Now I don’t get scared when I hold those two sticks between my fingers. I’m just starting (3 classes young) but the encouragement I get from my teacher is enough to let me return to my home with a well earned smile. This, my friends, is true happiness. Nothing surpasses it!!!

Why So Happy Today?

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Singular Sensation.”

How I wish someone of my taste reads everything I write and tries to know me better. He/She needn’t be a genius. Just a concerned, conforming and an inquisitive person.

I need someone who wants to understand and know the thoughts that occur in my head randomly. They needn’t have the ears but must have the eyes to see through to inside. Every gaze must acknowledge me. It’s not the approval I seek, just a conscious effort to calm a very anxious mind. The nerves that never settle, always need a calming influence. Someone who understands the sweaty palms and the floundering words. The eyes that fail to look into others eyes and the lips that fail to break into a smile.

I just wish for a voice to break into one of my dreams and foretell my path. One that balms every single hurt that pegs me back. Erases the memories of the people who’ve pretended to care for me, never did and never could… simply never had the time. One that makes me forget the people who only remember me on special occasions except for real friends who have my consent to call me when they want to. I just wish for a real well-wisher that can tell me what to do without setting any expectations.

I just wish to laugh again knowing full well that they won’t ask me,”Why so happy today?”

My Shadow of Doubt

I’m a 125 kg man. 6ft in height. Good enough shoulders and a pot belly. In many a countries I’m overweight and some might argue to make me book 2 tickets just for myself to fly around. Just Kidding – I’m not that fat or am I? Don’t know and don’t care.

I can’t care less about my looks. It’s not a case of a scared and suppressed man who’s heard and hates the word ‘Mota’ (Fatso) way more than his own name during the course of his life. Even if the latter part is true, I believe no amount of ragging, nudging, pushing, or loathing can subdue the inner spirit that says nothing is impossible. This is no delusion. There are times though when I think, what it would take for me to prepare for the inevitable, that last ray of light that gets noticed in my head, the moment I realize that I’m eventually unprepared for the worst. How do you prepare for it? In this dynamic world with all sorts of things loose on the streets that can kill you any second, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for the last light or the last night.

I may not know the answers to some questions and yet, I believe that they aren’t tough enough to figure out. I’ve seen enough competitive years to know that the times when you are stuck is nature’s way to bring forth the lessons that you may have missed while dealing with the course that nature itself designed for you. I’ve been chubby and to an extent – fat for my age. I was born heavy, lived heavy and am surviving (rather well) heavy. I hate figuring out the measures of my blood or the proteins or carbohydrates. I hate thinking that I am sick. If I ever am, trust me when I say this, the news WILL fall on deaf ears like it always does. I don’t plan to live long. It’s never at the back of my mind. I don’t like and want the funny things that come with some spectacular end. I don’t want money. As long as I survive on my own, I’m glad to have not bothered a soul with my issues. To those whom I’ve already bothered with my existence, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there when I truly needed you for without you, my boat wouldn’t have had the wind it needed to set sail.

So whats the point of this post? I know you’ve all heard this message a trillion times before. However, I’m trying. I’m trying to start believing in the figure I see when I look into the mirror. It’s an exercise some of the new souls in my life are having me do. They say acceptance is the key for me. I want to start a new, reinvigorated and stress free journey, one that fulfils my dreams and mine alone. I don’t see anyone becoming a part of this voyage, for I can’t see far. But I believe that if there is a part wherein another soul has to intervene, they will know their purpose and will only add new meaning and colors to it. Everyone has to start somewhere. I refuse to see this world in the way it comes to me. I see a lot of good happening and this shall forever be my endeavor – to see good for that’s what invigorates me. I will go beyond the damning filth that’s always presented first, to find the truth and whether it’s worthwhile to pursue. I will not stress to find what doesn’t concern me.

I will strive to find what’s right for me and will not be lazy. I aspire to create a vibration, a flow of light that truly defines my purpose (yet unknown). I invite the energies that are destined to become a part of me.

I aspire to erase this shadow of doubt that destroys the purity of my form. I’ll follow my gut.

A Morning Thought – Pune

This town is a fledgling town.
It’s the extra chilly on top of bhel, a ship ready to sail.
It’s a pike grabbing the nuances of the big fish, the demands though are childish.
It’s a mesh of mushy asphalt, the claims though are ridiculously tall.
It’s like a rose bud, shimmering with a drop of morning dew, the spirit though is dud.
In the sun it cries from pain, for a man won’t trust another again.
In the rain, the cool breeze satiates the soul, makes me forget every pothole.
The scenery here is epic, the greenery is chic.
From beyond that tall skyscraper they call building, it’s the nature I hear calling.

Bring It On

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Journey.”

The time of hope and persistence, honesty and dread, karma and belief, brought with it a surreal series of change. Break it down – the time into fragments, for each is as magnificent in its own right, a bag full of teachings, shining brightly upon my path. That path and where it leads, I know not.

The all-knowing, all giving power that rises within us in times of desperation – is like lights beside the runway to guide not just the stable but more so, the unstable planes. Nothing teaches us more about ourselves than such times of desperation. I learnt a lot.

Yes I was scared. Yes I was confused. Yes the pain in the heart was ever bearing and the brain, paralysed. Yet every stone that hurt me, only powered me, to go that much further. To look for my destiny. To smile at the sight of the end of the earth and sky, that horizon, which I knew would someday be mine.

Desperation when used properly is possibly the greatest tool we can own. Enough of it makes us fearless, uncaring. It shows us the true strength of our character. It gives us clarity on the decisions we make. It guides us to that juncture where we either rise or fall. It stretches us beyond our limits to possibly achieve the unthinkable, or get us ever closer to that “Eureka” moment.

The simplest formulae to tapping and reaping from even the rough times is to say to yourself – “these trying times are another bundle of opportunities”. And believe in it. Keep repeating it to yourself and condition yourself to just do the right thing, the humane thing. There are a million wolves waiting for your shivering carcass to show through your thinning skin but don’t care, don’t bother. I met my long cherished goal after walking on a daunting and humiliating path that forever shamed my self-respect and yet I rose and came through.

It doesn’t shame me now, to proclaim that I went through the mud to reach that Lotus and the effort I put into it. To have got my hands dirty in a coal mine to get to that Diamond. Life seems so complete now and how I wish it would last forever the same way with no further hiccups but then, that wouldn’t be fun, will it?

Bring it on!

Gimme All That Grass

Amidst these day dreams and winding roads,
The burning asphalt trail,
Dodging this game between sun and shadows,
The fear turns my face pale.
Leaving an inaudible world behind,
I make a screeching right,
To stop and fight.
I end up tricking my anguish and life apart,
The light at the end of my tunnel was now shining bright.
The burden off my back and shoulders to start,
I see the plains and the green that await me open and wide.
Guess this is what they mean when they say,
Grass is always greener on the other side.

Tears Of Happiness

This tryst with time,
These moments of victory,
These moments of significance,
And some not so.
A treasure in the making,
Of experiences as vivid as colors themselves.
I seldom inebriate,
I seldom celebrate.
But the first sparkle of light today,
In this Spring,
Ignites a reinvigorated need to splurge,
To once again test the depth of my being,
To once again dip a toe in this sea of pain,
Wake this demon child that I once put into deep slumber,
And vowed to never wake it again.
This sudden feeling of calm even as I merely write about it,
Is so menacing, so pleasuring,
The demon child smiles,
For it gets to play again,
In the dark and rowdy waters,
Merrily splashing,
My tears of happiness.

My Soul

My world has no discrimination,
No gender,
No color,
No God.
It isn’t bathed in fear –
Of losing,
Of being looked down upon,
Of the unknown.
Of that parasite under the carpet,
Of death underneath that living breathing carcass,
Of running and gunning for that ever elusive prize.
When all that I came in and will leave with,
Is a soul.
A self-nurturing yet powerless form,
Misunderstood and unanswered.
I like to think of these chills as
My soul trying to shrug off the uncertainties,
A way for it to relax in this chaos that embraces my body like skin,
A way for it to absorb the vivid forms and colors of nature,
Air water sun and all.
I like to think of each day as another passing glance,
Over that field of opportunities,
To feed this soul,
To do 1 good thing for that solitary beacon of hope that truly belongs to me,
That one trustworthy mate that teaches you,
The difference between good and evil,
Right and wrong,
Pleasure and pain,
Want and need…
My Soul.

Like You Aren’t Even There

See that road?
Clear, lifeless,
Flanked by fields of ashes of all that the dead ones touched.
See those corpses walking?
All in their ties and suits.
That swanky walk,
The elusive persona,
Light as feather, silky smooth.
Those deep hollow eyes,
The tiny black holes,
Still wanting, still needing,
Thirsty for more, hungry for more,
Their eyes meet yours.
They think they talk,
A shriek in pain is what you hear,
Crying, craving for attention,
To find an undeserving place in your life,
Pleading for an exception,
To a rule, this one rule of your existence,
“Live and let live”.
I just look away,
Like you aren’t even there,
Like you’re dead,
Like my past.
P.S. – YES! You are dead to me if you won’t let me live.

The Dawning Of A New Day

From being an addict to a neat sober life, from being a couch potato to burning my muscles again, from losing my job to regaining one in one of the largest MNCs in India, having to plan for an overhauled life when there’s none left in my soul. I’m fighting  each day and every hour of my existence, for revival of my body and soul. I’m living better, I’m eating better. Striving to host a chapter that powers me to dream of happiness, completeness, an error free foray into being who I want to be. I’m dying to see if I’ve learnt from my mistakes. It’s history repeating itself to test me, break me, shake me, wake me up from my slumber. For the past few months, change has been the only constant.
My attitude has changed. Never once did I think of running away even while perfectly knowing the agony each phase brings with it. For the first time I’m ready to give life a chance to come to me. For the first time I’m giving myself a chance to roll with whatever life dishes out, to fly with the wind, even snowball. Never once did I say “NOW WHAT?”.
In December, they told us to start looking elsewhere for a job for the project here had ended but they’d try to absorb us in. In January they hinted they won’t absorb us for the sake of well-being of both the company and my career. I thought it was a very valid and wise move. I have way too much experience to get absorbed in a team where people of nearly half my experience would work above me only because I didn’t have hands on their technology.
To me though, it gave a chance to get out into the world and to see if I’m any better than the man who joined this company nearly 5 years ago, to test my skills, to gauge my self-worth, yet again. For some adventurous reason, I rather relished this challenge and instantly knew I had to leave for my betterment. Both, the company and I, had realized that moving on was the better option for each of us.
This is the new, aged me. The earlier, the younger me would have tried busting their balls for having sacked me, for I had way to much ego. I’m learning to think past my ego and think of all the betterment that any opportunity brings. I’m letting people stay themselves around me. In short I’m trying and giving up my inner force that made me change people around me. I’m letting them come to me. I’m letting life engulf me in its arms. I’m not afraid of leap-of-faiths anymore. I’m running full seasons, gaining new leaves while shedding the useless and old ones.
Moving to a new city offers me an opportunity to start from scratch again. Not only will it give me a chance to meet new people, it’ll also give my wife a chance to settle down at a place that she knows and loves. We’d together forget the horrors we faced in Delhi. This time we are wiser, capable of paying our bills from day one and free of all debt. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you all, I’m finally free from all debts and it is so relieving. 😀
I’m so passed my past now. While I waited for my offer from my new employer, life also threw me a chance to get even with my past. A chance to understand that I was never wrong, for all I’d done was lose a battle of love. I now know what happened, had culminated to a better today and an even better tomorrow.
This waiting period also threw me a chance to get out of this country for a while and land in a place that has forever intrigued me – United States of America. I got to witness the miracle of a new-born baby. I’m so happy for you brother! I got to see a culture far advanced than ours. A thinking not swallowed by petty religion & caste. The ability to talk to and smile at strangers. I got to see the affluent middle class that’s provided for by the government in ways Indians are still dreaming about. We are so unwilling to learn. I got to see the real order, not the one borne by chaos. I got to see a willingness to accept laws and a hesitation to break them for it may harm another human being. I got to drink better hazelnut frappes. I inhaled fresh clean air in the middle of the town, oh how much I miss it back here!
Future is about smart choices, about creating better opportunities, and working hard to bring them to fruition. It’s about learning to adapt and curb your instincts to see past your preferred options and your preparation to dive into a better realm that provides foundations for better plans and people & resources to execute them . I can finally back myself to think positive and not worry about failures for I’ll never miss a chance to learn and grow and become the man who dictates the wellbeing of his loved ones. I grow!

Stop Raining ☔ Please!

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The weather has been lousy as hell for the past two nights. Raining when it should be Spring with cool winds and new shiny leaves on trees, locking me up inside my house. Not only does the rain snatch my sleep but (I have a tingly feeling about this) also gives the Delhi government a reason to brag about how we, the end users are getting reduced electricity bills when actually, there is no electricity to use at my home 🏡. 😉
The reason why I’m having to post from my mobile!

Things Change and How!

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “The Transporter.”

A lot has changed. From the time when a tiny boom box painted the rainbow of sounds across our home, as it churned out melodies after melodies on the radio and cassette player, to today when I have my sound at my fingertips. The smell of food that filled my heart will forever remain attached to the sounds I heard then. I see my mother in the kitchen, now and then. One ever so busy mother, with a job at hand, making sure all’s in order for lunch while me and my brother freshen up and change into regular clothes.

The table cleaned, waiting for a flurry of dishes be placed on it, to embrace them, to taste the curries that filled them. The table loved us. While we dearly waited for my dad to arrive, on his scooter, “Priya”, the sound of which got everyone into action. The table, all dressed, invited the hungry ones. Hungry ones always found the way. What would normally start out as lunch with sun-filled eyes ended in a blur. Somehow I don’t remember a single thing I did after lunch, probably clean the table and sleep was all I did till my pretense of being grown up finally showed through – then I studied, had to, never knowing why.

Today, while I wait for my maid to ring my doorbell and prepare what SHE calls food, I recall those afternoons, for I took them lightly, for they may never happen again. Such sweet memories and each one has a song for it. Like a straw that flows, I’ve seen a lot along the way, things appalling and shambolic, things that make me hum tunes, from the distant past. Tunes I won’t forget. Some Things change and how and Some never can!

Here is one of those tunes that reminds me of those lunches, the siestas and the pretense I now call “Studying” –

I Wonder!

I can’t really recall if what I’m going to talk about was my summer vacation or the start of long Dussehra holidays in October.

What I remember clearly though, is the sweltering heat, the yellow iron gate guarding our yard, my brother who had playfully climbed on top of the gate while me and my mum stood by the front door watching him play.

Now let me describe that yellow gate – it brought a unironed symphony to our home. It was a pale yellow, sturdy, 2-flanked metal structure that opened directly out to the beauty of the world. When it opened, the hinges creaked in a staccato rhythm. The 2 flanks hinged on iron rails on both sides, upholding the fence on either side. Looking from where I and my mom were seeing it, the left flank of the gate was lower than the right, leaning in from the top edge where they met (or should’ve met). Which meant that when the gate was shut using the latch on the top, it left ample gap at the bottom for stray dogs to wander in and out of our lawn, absolutely unhindered, an opportunity not many dogs missed considering the ginormous mango tree in our yard for the shade. Not that they really needed a gap, for the gate had rectangles cut out inside it, ones that made the gate, a practical sham!

Why am I talking about the gate? It’s this gate that I often dream about. One that opens to someplace unknown. Having yet to feel and cross it, the gate seems like it’s built of grey smoke only to fool my eyes. The fear of everything covered in orange haze/smoke on the other side, numbs my legs like I’m magically flying. When I look around, I find myself on an abandoned railway platform. The trains chugging pass fast and in huge numbers, watched only by a pair of eyes waiting for a trigger, but nothing happens. Nothing ever happens!

I often wonder what the dream means? Am I scared of abandoned railway stations? Am I scared of orange smoke? Do I love my legs so much that I fear for my life having no sensations in them?

Or is it my place of zen where I wish to be all the time?

I wonder!

Greys Monotony

The Greys in me, teach me to,

Start putting my happiness first,

Give life my best,

Take life as I have,

Drink coffee when I want.

The Greys on my head, remind me,

That time is luxury I don’t have,

That I still have the world to see,

That I’ve learned a lot,

And yet nothing.

The Greys in me, remind me of the,

Twinkle lost from your eyes.

Smile that once washed your face.

Joy that you sprinkled with every step.

Touch that fluttered my heart.

The Greys in me, tell me,

I’m guilty of robbing that twinkle,

I’m wiping the smile,

I’m trampling the joy,

And I’m now, missing that touch.

Weekly Writing Challenge – Kill Your Darlings