An Unbound Rage

That mental cacophony,

That uncompressed yell,

That undulating pain,

The hurt your heart felt,

That sickness in your belly,

Those trembling hands,

Those clenched muscles,

That need to dish out fear,

That sadistic streak,

Those flickering eyes,

Those shallow breaths,

Those pulsating nerves,

That short gulp,

Trigger to a Slur!

 

No Pain No Gain

This is where I stalled. The best I can describe my absence with, is I’ve been on a journey for a while. A journey to self-destruction and resurrection. A journey to see my ends. A journey to know the truth and self-worth, to live a tale worth telling. And it has come at a price. I’m lost. I’ve lost.

The burden of responsibility now forbids my senses to feel again, see again, hear again, think again. I fail to see how I got here. All that I am is truth. This is all I can be and yet I fail myself and others. The pain of understanding the world and people around me has got the worse of me. It’s becoming difficult to embrace myself for who I am. Because it’s dark. I’ve seen it. Something that’ll swallow me whole. I can feel things building inside me and they are a lot of weight to carry. The days are heavier and nights are sullen. I’m a ticking time bomb and time is close when I’ll explode. An explosion that will blow up their happiness to pieces and no one, not even me, knows what that’ll do to KING “ME”.

The ingredients of goodness inside me are depleting fast. I’ve got to come out. For inside me is burning anger. Case in point are these sudden urges to beat myself up. These urges occur when I’m happy about something specific or when I’ve sated myself. It’s not uncommon for me to feel bliss in pain but earlier, these feelings had a time and place. Not now. They just take over me and then possess me for days and days.

I’m different these days – angrier, surprisingly vociferous and scornful. I’ve always been different. My interests were different. I enjoyed pain and this is something I’m particularly proud of. I intentionally venture into the darker side when I’m aware of joys in brightness. But this tendency is at it’s peak now. I’ve started keeping myself on the edge. I break into moods I’m very unaware of. Life has become a game of hide and seek. Seeking while I’m hiding, in plain sight, yet creating thunders for myself and enjoying them.

I’m trying to find the psychology behind my actions that sometimes seem downright foolish. I’m forgetting more, trying to remember less and yet my dreams play out the drama for me, every night. Libation seems fruitless. So I tried exercising, trying to burn out all my excess energy, so I can remain calmer. It worked for a while, while the pain persisted. Once that went, so did the workouts. And now I’m free again with all that unburnt energy and no pain. It’s all like Forrest Gump. I do things without knowing why I’m doing them. Like these orders were etched inside my brain to be carried out now.

The song above describes me aptly. King Me – try looking for it’s meaning and you’ll get a number of absurd and pervasive results. I have my version too and it goes something like this – It’s a state of a narcissistic mind. One that’s trying to indulge for itself. It’s keeping yourself so high and untouchable, that a connect is almost impossible. It’s destructive. It makes you see and feel things, makes you sway from your path.

Why does King Me kill me? It’s because the world functions on people. People and things are the world. And when I can’t see beyond myself, I hurt others. Only in my case, since I have no one else to hurt, and so I hurt myself. I put myself through paces that are laid on death bed. And it burns. I have the marks – deep and unforgiving. People often tell me that I need to talk more but with what I have and what I do with it, my words fail me too.

That’s for a post later. Right now – Merry Christmas!!!! I’m looking forward to a new year filled with a lot of fresh opportunities and pain, because without pain, there’s no gain!

XBOX 360 Hostility

It’s become a regular occurrence now. My office installed a set of XBOX 360 and our team is usually the first one to hit it right after lunch. So there we’re sitting having a nice little FIFA 14 session when someone who’s just finished his lunch comes in and asks for a remote. Well HELLOOOO!! Everyone who’s still playing just keeps looking at the screen like the new guy will somehow magically find a playing remote and the other person still has his hands held out like we owe him to let him play.

You see I’m normally the giving type though and I hate situations that make me uncomfortable. So everytime this happens, it’s me that yields and hands over his remote to the new guy. Now all this is fine with me but mustn’t it be courtesy to at least let me know when you’re done playing?

Also there are morons who when not given a remote to play, turn off the console and return to the seat while others are still playing, holding their remotes in their hands, and made to look like complete jerks.

Try working in such hostility and you’ll know what I mean!

Truth, That Is You!

Quoting from the prompt

“There is beauty in truth, even if it’s painful. Those who lie, twist life so that it looks tasty to the lazy, brilliant to the ignorant, and powerful to the weak. But lies only strengthen our defects. They don’t teach anything, help anything, fix anything or cure anything. Nor do they develop one’s character, one’s mind, one’s heart or one’s soul.”

– José N. Harris

Trust me, liars get my attention the quickest. Somehow, I smell them but this fickle mind believes that a liar is doing truth the justice when he lies and hence, belies the lie into a truth. It’s his responsibility to lie else truth won’t exist.

The sweeter the lie, the more painful is the truth that reveals it.

Just today, I got talking to a friend and he started with how when we get angry and yell at someone, we invariably feel sorry and yet end up choosing between revealing our guilt or no. He also pointed out the mental process that goes behind the anguish caused by the act and how it invariably lays the foundation to cover up the same angst in future. He was very clear in keeping the anger and the guilt it caused on a balance and how after we first choose the act, we invariably run for the other side – the guilt to keep up a balance derived from nature. And it happens really fast inside the brain, and yet never fails to leave an impression inside. He said that the choice is always clear but the brain, as it is trained to run for an excuse first and think logically later, comes up with a lie.

Guilt, ladies and gentlemen, has a tremendous power – it makes humans look and feel incredibly foolish which means embarrassment ahoy! To escape this, mind has to have plans ready and it thus, keeps a track of everything we do inside our subconscious, so we either don’t act that way altogether or be incredibly nimble in conjuring up a LIE! Not that Your’s Truly isn’t a master at the art, but doesn’t it need a thief to catch another?

Why do we lie? I say, we start to train our mind to hide the truth (guilt in the case above) and consequently lie from a very young age. It doesn’t come naturally to us. Parents never knowingly teach us to lie. Schools impart the correct wisdom, then where is it that liars are born? It all starts at home. We learn from our company. It’s a misconception among parents that their children can’t pay a heed to their lies because they are either too dumb or just don’t give a rats ass. These things are very small, so small that they in fact, must be forgotten and yet leave an impression lasting forever on a child’s mind.

“Hey Jo! Tell the man at the door that I’m not home yet” a boozing father says – Jo learns alibis that he’ll use against everything forever after.

“Hey Jo! Tell your dad I fell on the bathroom floor today and we’ll have to order food from outside and you can go buy your game DVD tomorrow. Here take the money” a lazy mother funnily tries to buy his son. Jo learns to disrespect his father.

“Hey Jo! You can tell your dad that you lost your ball and get money for another one, which we buy burgers with” Jo learns to lie to his parents for a burger that he would’ve anyways got, had he asked for it directly to them. Jo learns thievery.

In all the above cases, lies covered every evil. It seems like a lot of fun working over people to get things done, but this breeds dishonesty and knack for hurting people without knowing it. Lies destroy us – from inside. A lie is livable. It’s a world created in fantasies, bravado, and shining liveries. It hides the pain of the inside but instead of strengthening the soul, lies hollow it eating us everyday. It’s so lucrative and easy, some of us take permanent refuge in the deluge, forgetting that truth makes the soul lighter, stronger, and appreciable. Lies are a façade to our weakness. This mask though, is rotten from the inside. The longer you wear it, the more it disfigures the original identity. Every lie only moves you to away from the truth, truth that is you.

Crotchety Chump

Don’t we all want happy faces around us all the time? We are all selfish and in turn want to share the communicable cheerfulness to brighten our own days. Grumpy looking people often make for a bad viewing and… company. Happy people share jokes, make us laugh, spread positive energy with their infectious smiles, and even make some unhappy ones seriously jealous. But have you ever thought why some of us are permanently grumpy? Don’t you think that they too want to flex their cheek muscles at least once every day and smile for a change?

Yes, I am grumpy. I’m told by people that there are, at max, 4 expressions that they’ve seen me wearing. I haven’t practiced them in the mirror. I just look that way. It’s, in all practicality, impossible for me to stay happy and smile all the time, for from time to time, the realities of life keep dawning upon me. Earlier my problem was I wanted to keep everyone else happy. I failed! Then someone, a few years back, told me to start thinking about myself and now my problem is I want to keep myself happy. I’m not fairing any better here as well. My sofa needs cleaning. I need new mattresses. I need a new seating arrangement for my PC at home, new chair and table, more ergonomic. I need to get the engine on my bike repaired and blah blah! I know you don’t want to hear it but that’s precisely how grumpy people talk, BEAR IT!

So what exactly does grumpy mean?

– Bad-tempered and sulky.

– Crabbed; annoyed and irritable.

Synonym – Crotchety!

Just like the way happy and cheerful people have days when they are sad and depressed, we, the grumpy ones; have days when we are Happy and Cheerful for once. It’s difficult for us to leave our comfort zone. Deep down we love the way people hate us, despise us, want to hurt our face so bad, that we look even grumpier. But that’s where we WIN every day. For no one hits us. No one can do a shit about the way we look or behave. All that they can do is look away which is precisely what we want – no attention! It serves me better that I’m introvert as well.

There are several emotions, aren’t they? We sift through plethora of them every day – from happy to sad or angry or empathetic in matter of seconds. It’s these emotions that often drive our moods. These emotions change the way we perceive our world, see its colours, and hear its sound – basically change the way we feel it.

What I find most interesting though is how some emotions bring out the best in you while some doom you to obscurity. These emotions impact our will to achieve like no other person ever can. They impact our state of mind and the vibes coming from us in general. These emotions are quite distractingly very visible and are quite in-your-face.

My mother has one such emotion – anger. She cooks her best food when she is angry. Me and dad used to secretly wish for her to get upset and then cook (psst psst we still wish so). It used to start with an argument between them that I’ll never understand. They never made sense to me. They were so – worldly. Dealing with day-to-day issues that anyone of them could resolve in the blink of an eye. Anyways – food and anger! Yes, this is one complaint my mother always has when she is angry – she keeps saying she hates cooking. That how she hates every moment spent in the kitchen and yet, when she sees dad set the first foot across the threshold of its entrance to cook himself, she’ll jump in and prepare some of the tastiest drool-worthy delicacies, a human will ever taste – all in a fit of rage and knowledge that dad will ruin everything inside the kitchen. The chances of her screwing up the food then drastically reduce to zero. I think most women will relate to this feeling!

And that brings me to my question – what’s the emotion that brings out the best in you?

Mine is anger and I guess this is something my mother has unknowingly rubbed onto me. I think clearer when I’m angry. I say better when I’m angry. My focus dramatically increases even when I’m venting out my anger on something completely unrelated to the real problem. I invariably end up doing all the right things when my hands are shivering with angst. The only problem is – that’s also the only time I’m thinking just for myself and in those on-the-thread moments, I end up hurting a few people.

Okay, then what’s the emotion that brings out the worst from you?

Mine is happiness. Yes, that’s the reason I’m grumpy. Happiness brings out my concern for others which in today’s world, is quite unappreciated. People start to think that I’m interfering with their lives when in the first place they are the ones sitting in my home, sipping beers, and sharing the sorry state of their sorry ass world with me – the most unconcerned person on this planet. People for some reason don’t understand genuine sympathy or empathy now. They fail to acknowledge an unselfish concern for their well-being but who can blame them. We all get ditched so many times and in so many ways, we can’t even rely upon ourselves to trust others and find their true motives, rest aside the chances of us believing anyone else for our good.

I guess I’m searching for unadulterated love, for my love even for myself isn’t enough pure!

Alone I’m Lost

Definition of a Pulsar –

a degenerate neutron star; small and extremely dense; rotates very fast and emits regular pulses of polarized radiation

You know how most of us need a certain accessory to make us look that tad bit good. That bit that adds that spark which defines your spirit and your style. An unrelenting force, that keeps coming to you to give you more. It belongs to you. And that’s what eventually outshines the rest of the ‘dull’ you!

Well, standing alone I’d look like a bum and this is certainly not the first time I’m confessing to this fact on my blog! Shabby clothing and dirty shoes often define my appearance. I don’t care for my looks and it quite literally shows. Deep inside I think I am a stud when I’m more visibly, an elephant with a punctured ass.

It’s when I’m not walking though, that I’m seated on a beast. A beast that deserves the credit for carrying high hopes, dreams, responsibilities, weight of a man that nearly matches it’s own, and it does it EVERYDAY. Yes, that’s MY PULSAR.

DSC00014_edited

Now how does my Pulsar justify the actual definition –

Degenerate

Hell yeah! Just like me… gives me ideas as crazy as I am… goes as fast as it can and slow when it wants… just lets me handle it like the stallion ‘Spirit’ from the animated movie (nothing degenerate about the movie though)!

Small and extremely dense

It’s pretty small compared to other larger monsters in the market all while it eagerly dishes the same pace as most will on any given day!

Rotates very fast and emits regular pulses of polarized radiation

Told you its way damn fast for most to handle. Regarding the radiation part, I tend to compare it with the jealousy it instills in a thousand hearts every day – “Awhh hows that elephant riding so fast?” “What. Is. That. Mean. Machine!” “Hey mechanic, can I have the sound of my bike changed to how this one sounds (pointing to mine)”!

It has the same sense of direction as I do. It has love. It makes a bit of noise but only to disturb the inattentive. It honks angrily and loud like no other, just like I do when I’m angry! It’s sexy. It looks just one way and that’s forward. Without it, I’m lost!

And here’s to the shittiest part of the new and improved Daily Post, the best one that the brilliant techie minds of Daily Post on WordPress have thrown at us, THE PINGBACKS (GRID VERSION)that are in no way the pingbacks of the old –

http://thebohemianrockstarpresents.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/daily-prompt-you-sexy-thing/

http://raraness.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/confident-in-monochrome/

http://bonuminlibero.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/on-confidence-and-clothing/

http://kansamuse.me/2014/04/15/decent-outfit/

http://melissuhhsmiles.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/meaningsa-to-z-day-13/

http://criticaldispatches.com/2014/04/12/giving-life-the-runaround/

http://www.pghlesbian.com/2014/04/ever-wish-you-had-a-fashionista-godmother/

http://graceholden.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/250/

http://eastelmhurstagogo.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/every-girls-crazy-bout-a-sharp-dressed-man/

http://tony1577.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/the-only-thing-that-looks-good-on-me-is/

http://fibijeeves.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/daily-prompt-1950s-pirate-chic/

http://abozdar.wordpress.com/2014/04/11/extremely-handsome/

http://rolbos.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/daily-prompt-french-lingerie-will-get-her-there/

http://thepigmentsoflife.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/you-sexy-you/

http://purplesus.wordpress.com/2014/04/16/you-sexy-thing/

http://wisskko.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/choose-one-color-which-you-like-the-best-and-explain-why/

http://abozdar.wordpress.com/2014/04/14/advice/

http://hopethehappyhugger.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/hair-hair-hair-hair/

http://charronschatter.com/2014/04/15/nayfare/

http://myjourneyeveryday.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/daily-prompt-you-sexy-thing/

http://knowledgeaddiction.wordpress.com/2014/02/20/new-sensation/

http://psychologistmimi.com/2014/04/15/wait-did-i-wear-this-dress-yesterday/

http://angloswiss-chronicles.com/2014/04/15/daily-prompt-you-sexy-thing/

http://frncnseal585.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/you-sexy-thing/

http://kate0murray.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/sexy/

http://ambikarani.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/sexy-srk/

http://bobbeck1600.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/you-sexy-thing/

http://morrighansmuse.com/2014/04/15/you-sexy-thing-you/

http://brokenlightcollective.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/ascension/

http://averildean.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/watercolor/

http://lifebeinggirly.com/2014/04/15/you-sexy-thing/

http://arakawafiction.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/napowrimo-day-15-victorian-praise/

http://breakingbadness.wordpress.com/2014/04/16/being-sexy/

P.S. – This is the (pardon me for I’m going to use the word again) shittiest and the ugliest (if shits weren’t that ugly for someone) part of the new and improved Daily Post. I want to ask everyone to please plead to Daily Post people to bring back the list of pingbacks links that were so easy to copy and paste than having to copy and paste each and every link from that GRID list that they’re apparently very proud of. I’ve left 2 comments in their comments section that they haven’t bothered to let past moderation, when they are nothing but a bit hard requests to bring back the pingback lists and keep the grid as well. I’m writing this as this is very de-motivating for some reasons that I’d rather not talk about.

Shivers down my spine!

Three songs that no matter what the circumstances are – send shivers down my spine:

1. Flying in a blue dream – Joe Satriani

It sends shivers of peace, calm, cool warmth.

2. Hell is Home – Judas Priest

It sends shivers of anger, power and disdain for the world.

3. Suicidal Dream – Silverchair

It sends shivers of loneliness, fear of death and fearful dreams

I will keep adding to this list for my own safe-keep. Anyone else who feels the same about some of the songs that they listen to?