The Goddess Energy

Why are we here?

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We’re a swarm,

Created for that one purpose,

To work on that one goal,

To make mistakes,

To love again and again..

To trust the universe,.

To know that it’s the same for all of us,

To be one again,

To meet our maker.

We’re the bees,

We exist for the queen,

We exist to create that one home,

Our hive, our heaven unseen.

We’re different,

And yet are one.

Separated by the mind,

We dug a hole.

Forgot one another,

Forgot we’re the same chi,

To realize that potential,

Our Goddess Energy!

No Pain No Gain

This is where I stalled. The best I can describe my absence with, is I’ve been on a journey for a while. A journey to self-destruction and resurrection. A journey to see my ends. A journey to know the truth and self-worth, to live a tale worth telling. And it has come at a price. I’m lost. I’ve lost.

The burden of responsibility now forbids my senses to feel again, see again, hear again, think again. I fail to see how I got here. All that I am is truth. This is all I can be and yet I fail myself and others. The pain of understanding the world and people around me has got the worse of me. It’s becoming difficult to embrace myself for who I am. Because it’s dark. I’ve seen it. Something that’ll swallow me whole. I can feel things building inside me and they are a lot of weight to carry. The days are heavier and nights are sullen. I’m a ticking time bomb and time is close when I’ll explode. An explosion that will blow up their happiness to pieces and no one, not even me, knows what that’ll do to KING “ME”.

The ingredients of goodness inside me are depleting fast. I’ve got to come out. For inside me is burning anger. Case in point are these sudden urges to beat myself up. These urges occur when I’m happy about something specific or when I’ve sated myself. It’s not uncommon for me to feel bliss in pain but earlier, these feelings had a time and place. Not now. They just take over me and then possess me for days and days.

I’m different these days – angrier, surprisingly vociferous and scornful. I’ve always been different. My interests were different. I enjoyed pain and this is something I’m particularly proud of. I intentionally venture into the darker side when I’m aware of joys in brightness. But this tendency is at it’s peak now. I’ve started keeping myself on the edge. I break into moods I’m very unaware of. Life has become a game of hide and seek. Seeking while I’m hiding, in plain sight, yet creating thunders for myself and enjoying them.

I’m trying to find the psychology behind my actions that sometimes seem downright foolish. I’m forgetting more, trying to remember less and yet my dreams play out the drama for me, every night. Libation seems fruitless. So I tried exercising, trying to burn out all my excess energy, so I can remain calmer. It worked for a while, while the pain persisted. Once that went, so did the workouts. And now I’m free again with all that unburnt energy and no pain. It’s all like Forrest Gump. I do things without knowing why I’m doing them. Like these orders were etched inside my brain to be carried out now.

The song above describes me aptly. King Me – try looking for it’s meaning and you’ll get a number of absurd and pervasive results. I have my version too and it goes something like this – It’s a state of a narcissistic mind. One that’s trying to indulge for itself. It’s keeping yourself so high and untouchable, that a connect is almost impossible. It’s destructive. It makes you see and feel things, makes you sway from your path.

Why does King Me kill me? It’s because the world functions on people. People and things are the world. And when I can’t see beyond myself, I hurt others. Only in my case, since I have no one else to hurt, and so I hurt myself. I put myself through paces that are laid on death bed. And it burns. I have the marks – deep and unforgiving. People often tell me that I need to talk more but with what I have and what I do with it, my words fail me too.

That’s for a post later. Right now – Merry Christmas!!!! I’m looking forward to a new year filled with a lot of fresh opportunities and pain, because without pain, there’s no gain!

Hope

A belief is a strange concept isn’t it? And today’s prompt brings me to an even pivotal question – what do you believe in?

In all the unkindness of life, the only gift I’ve received is a belief in myself. People ask me – “What’s it that pushes you to the write everyday? What’s it that those invisible people give you?”.

My reply is simple – “What, in all your glorious presence, have you ever given me?”.

These answers were hard to come by. I’d rather have withstood the harsh words and satire, sipped on the bitter pills, and slouched into my bed. Not now. I now see hope. I now see acceptance. I now see feedback. I now feel a renewed energy and motivation, not to just run through my days like a dead bat and in the process gain, learn, acknowledge, and foremost converse.

It’s not just an empty drum aimlessly rolling in a desert. This drum is now ploughing its own road. Before I sleep every night, I now make mental notes of the numbers on my blog, the direction in which it is headed and its true purpose. I live in it. The world outside is slowly dying a painful death while the world inside now has little leaves popping out. Clear, green, fresh, and satiating the hunger of a burnt heart.

The boat of hope in my heart is finally afloat!

I’ll Take Care

So something authentic and mind churning came my way today in a text message –

No matter where you come from and when you start, your dreams are valid“.

My wife sent it to me. She told me that she was well applauded for her quote and even received a gift! Congrats Baby!

She went on to ask me, what I think of it? I liked it!

I think it speaks tons of what’s in her mind and how dear are her dreams to her heart.

I’ll tell you a few things about her that are necessary to know her. She is a dreamer of course. If you’ll ask her what’s her greatest dream, she’ll say – I want to be famous. If you’ll ask her what does she think about money, she’ll say – I don’t need much (which sometimes can be very tricky to comprehend, mind you). 😉

Back to the dreams though, she really does want to be famous. She loves colors, hates routines, loves comfort, hates dullness. She is in fact so much like a kid, you can see her expression change when things are not going according to her and the smiling coming back, when things do. Her head turns away from anything she doesn’t like much. She’s full of energy when she gets to smile, laugh and spread some and yet has none that’s expendable, to perform mundane tasks at home.

For some reason, the exciting never escapes her. She has a nose for it and it gets very perilous sometimes. The sudden clicks in her head can get so unnerving, she gets very difficult to cope with.

None of these are problems, mind you! She is a human being. She loves fun and is very open about it. She has a very unique mind that just doesn’t accept haze, for haze handicaps her. She hates confusions, loves frank and open discussions and if she gets her mind at some task, you can rest assured, it will be done.

She wants to do so much and is always on a prowl to do something unique. She’s brilliant at getting things done. She loves everyone and everything till they give her a reason for the otherwise.

I believe if I ask her what are your plans for later, she’ll reply –

“I want to continue with fashion. I want to indulge in social work. I want to start writing my book (that she plans to publish in 5 years). I want switch to a new house. I want to earn more. I want to move out of Delhi”.

If you eavesdrop on some of her client calls, all talks are big and about the ginormous steps towards the unthinkable. I’ve heard so many of her calls, and each one has one thing in common – she’ll always make sure that you are never at the losing end.

There are never intricate details at any moment. Nothing is planned to the last detail and that’s her achilles heel.

And this is where the quote in her mind comes from. She doesn’t know when and where to start working on her dreams and yet she knows they’re forever valid (which they are and will remain).

You don’t have to doubt yourselves sweetheart. Things will be alright. Trust me they will be because I’ll take care. 😉

Trackbacks & Pingbacks –

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River of Energy

Energy is like a river. You can’t stop it. It will find its way no matter what you do to stop it. It is indestructible for it will only transform.

So stop wasting it on negative people. They are nothing. They will eat you from the inside and you’ll have nothing to spend on productive thoughts and actions. If you do not spend your energy on negative people and only even preserve it and not indulge in wrong deeds, it’ll find its way out towards construction, positivity and productivity. This river of energy should only be guided towards productive and generous channels.

People who won’t be constructive in my life will get the least of my energy and time. If you can’t be constructive towards me, do just 1 thing – spread some joy and laughter, simply lighten up the mood. And if you can’t even do that, just leave me alone!