An Unbound Rage

That mental cacophony,

That uncompressed yell,

That undulating pain,

The hurt your heart felt,

That sickness in your belly,

Those trembling hands,

Those clenched muscles,

That need to dish out fear,

That sadistic streak,

Those flickering eyes,

Those shallow breaths,

Those pulsating nerves,

That short gulp,

Trigger to a Slur!

 

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Future Haze

It’s always been a mystery to me how people can create their future in their heads and act accordingly now. For me my future is a blur. I’ve always been the reactive kind, dancing to the tunes that life plays for me. I’m so involved in my today that I hardly ever get time to think about tomorrow, bless those who can see others futures too. Is it intuition that they talk about? Or are they simply differently gifted? I believe I am gifted but my gift lies more enjoying my now than going after something that won’t necessarily be there for me as I see it.

Some people tell me that all it takes is knowing yourself better, knowing your preferences and an inclination to act to your whims today. That’s what I do I guess but when I ask questions, they tell me I have to set an intention for whatever I want to achieve? For which material goal should I set an intention for when nothing material interests me any more. My goals are all subjective like attaining total freedom, from the society, from the corporates, to find out what I’m here for and simply go after it.

I guess I need to fill myself with love and abandon all fear to attain what I’m after. Just on course though, to don’t know where, and while I’m at it let me say thanks to all the lessons I’m learning and how I’m being enabled to shed and heal.

No Pain No Gain

This is where I stalled. The best I can describe my absence with, is I’ve been on a journey for a while. A journey to self-destruction and resurrection. A journey to see my ends. A journey to know the truth and self-worth, to live a tale worth telling. And it has come at a price. I’m lost. I’ve lost.

The burden of responsibility now forbids my senses to feel again, see again, hear again, think again. I fail to see how I got here. All that I am is truth. This is all I can be and yet I fail myself and others. The pain of understanding the world and people around me has got the worse of me. It’s becoming difficult to embrace myself for who I am. Because it’s dark. I’ve seen it. Something that’ll swallow me whole. I can feel things building inside me and they are a lot of weight to carry. The days are heavier and nights are sullen. I’m a ticking time bomb and time is close when I’ll explode. An explosion that will blow up their happiness to pieces and no one, not even me, knows what that’ll do to KING “ME”.

The ingredients of goodness inside me are depleting fast. I’ve got to come out. For inside me is burning anger. Case in point are these sudden urges to beat myself up. These urges occur when I’m happy about something specific or when I’ve sated myself. It’s not uncommon for me to feel bliss in pain but earlier, these feelings had a time and place. Not now. They just take over me and then possess me for days and days.

I’m different these days – angrier, surprisingly vociferous and scornful. I’ve always been different. My interests were different. I enjoyed pain and this is something I’m particularly proud of. I intentionally venture into the darker side when I’m aware of joys in brightness. But this tendency is at it’s peak now. I’ve started keeping myself on the edge. I break into moods I’m very unaware of. Life has become a game of hide and seek. Seeking while I’m hiding, in plain sight, yet creating thunders for myself and enjoying them.

I’m trying to find the psychology behind my actions that sometimes seem downright foolish. I’m forgetting more, trying to remember less and yet my dreams play out the drama for me, every night. Libation seems fruitless. So I tried exercising, trying to burn out all my excess energy, so I can remain calmer. It worked for a while, while the pain persisted. Once that went, so did the workouts. And now I’m free again with all that unburnt energy and no pain. It’s all like Forrest Gump. I do things without knowing why I’m doing them. Like these orders were etched inside my brain to be carried out now.

The song above describes me aptly. King Me – try looking for it’s meaning and you’ll get a number of absurd and pervasive results. I have my version too and it goes something like this – It’s a state of a narcissistic mind. One that’s trying to indulge for itself. It’s keeping yourself so high and untouchable, that a connect is almost impossible. It’s destructive. It makes you see and feel things, makes you sway from your path.

Why does King Me kill me? It’s because the world functions on people. People and things are the world. And when I can’t see beyond myself, I hurt others. Only in my case, since I have no one else to hurt, and so I hurt myself. I put myself through paces that are laid on death bed. And it burns. I have the marks – deep and unforgiving. People often tell me that I need to talk more but with what I have and what I do with it, my words fail me too.

That’s for a post later. Right now – Merry Christmas!!!! I’m looking forward to a new year filled with a lot of fresh opportunities and pain, because without pain, there’s no gain!

I Wonder!

I can’t really recall if what I’m going to talk about was my summer vacation or the start of long Dussehra holidays in October.

What I remember clearly though, is the sweltering heat, the yellow iron gate guarding our yard, my brother who had playfully climbed on top of the gate while me and my mum stood by the front door watching him play.

Now let me describe that yellow gate – it brought a unironed symphony to our home. It was a pale yellow, sturdy, 2-flanked metal structure that opened directly out to the beauty of the world. When it opened, the hinges creaked in a staccato rhythm. The 2 flanks hinged on iron rails on both sides, upholding the fence on either side. Looking from where I and my mom were seeing it, the left flank of the gate was lower than the right, leaning in from the top edge where they met (or should’ve met). Which meant that when the gate was shut using the latch on the top, it left ample gap at the bottom for stray dogs to wander in and out of our lawn, absolutely unhindered, an opportunity not many dogs missed considering the ginormous mango tree in our yard for the shade. Not that they really needed a gap, for the gate had rectangles cut out inside it, ones that made the gate, a practical sham!

Why am I talking about the gate? It’s this gate that I often dream about. One that opens to someplace unknown. Having yet to feel and cross it, the gate seems like it’s built of grey smoke only to fool my eyes. The fear of everything covered in orange haze/smoke on the other side, numbs my legs like I’m magically flying. When I look around, I find myself on an abandoned railway platform. The trains chugging pass fast and in huge numbers, watched only by a pair of eyes waiting for a trigger, but nothing happens. Nothing ever happens!

I often wonder what the dream means? Am I scared of abandoned railway stations? Am I scared of orange smoke? Do I love my legs so much that I fear for my life having no sensations in them?

Or is it my place of zen where I wish to be all the time?

I wonder!

Death

Death? Think about it and it feels rather strange. I don’t worry about the aftermath, why should I? I’m dead, aren’t I! But I do have an aging fear of the moment when I meet it. Right when I’m closing my eyes, I think I want peace!

Peace in the thought that I haven’t harmed someone, that the world won’t miss me when I’m gone and the knowledge that the people I loved, loved me back. I think I won’t live very long and I don’t want to, and yet I want to be cared about by the people and things I cared about after I’m gone. I don’t want people to cry around me when I’m dying. I hope the best people of my life get to be around me when I’m dying unless it’s on the road to office or back where all there’ll be are strangers.

Just some thoughts!

This Right Here

Ritika Tattoo

 

This right here is a gift for love!

This right here is a promise to stay in love!

This right here is a masochistic rush!

This right here is the fear of needles forgotten!

This right here is the feel of blood trickling down my spine!

This right here is a valentines gift!

This right here is my wife on my flesh – My Star and My Angel!

Lets find out what others did at impulse –

  1. A Supposedly Fun Thing I Should Never Have Done in the First Place | AS I PLEASE
  2. Tea for two | The Bliss of Reality
  3. I Did Something Crazy | Lifestyle | WANGSGARD
  4. On being yourself | Attempted Human Relations and Self
  5. A Watermark, a Ford Falcon and a Creative Commons License walk into an alley… | Greg Urbano
  6. This Daily Prompt Is For Men Only & My Short Story For The Day | The Jittery Goat
  7. impulse | yi-ching lin photography
  8. the city is an | y
  9. Daily Prompt: Let’s go Crazy! | Raevenly Writes
  10. Unlucky | Perspectives on life, universe and everything
  11. Comrades | Perspectives on life, universe and everything
  12. DP Daily Prompt: Let’s Go Crazy | Sabethville
  13. Caramel Filled Chocolates | Miss Spicy Hat N’ Sugar Socks
  14. Wild Woman: let’s go crazy! | ALIEN AURA’S BlOG: IT’LL BLOW YOUR MIND!
  15. Let’s go with this. I suck at being impulsive. | thoughtsofrkh
  16. One Crazy Mom » Things I’m Crazy For
  17. THE WORST DECISION | SERENDIPITY
  18. Friday Flash – Impulse | My Little Avalon
  19. Time for some Kitchen Dancing! | MamaMickTerry
  20. Crazy for Thinking I Could Change Him Prayers and Promises
  21. Around The World | swiggityswag
  22. Venturing Beyond the Comfort Zone | snapshotsofawanderingheart
  23. The Convenience of Paradise | the intrinsickness
  24. IMPULSE | dandelionsinwind
  25. Excavating… | Haiku By Ku
  26. Women’s days and craziness | Sue’s Trifles
  27. “Let’s Go Crazy” | Relax
  28. comfort in my crazy | peacefulblessedstar
  29. “Sleep on it” | Hope* the happy hugger
  30. Daily Prompot: Let’s go crazy – African Style | The Pink Cucumber
  31. Dream Job | Why is there bread in my Kool-Aid?
  32. The Drive | Kate Murray
  33. Crazy Train? No, Crazy Bike | Cancer Isn’t Pink
  34. What Do You See? The Forest or the Trees? | meanderedwanderings
  35. Daily Prompt: Let’s Go Crazy | Awl and Scribe
  36. Walking Over There | Lisa’s Kansa Muse
  37. Welcome to the Machine | Rob’s Surf Report
  38. Bad idea | A picture is worth 1000 words
  39. spur | A beetle with earrings
  40. What Have I Done? | Flowers and Breezes
  41. let’s go crazy | klstar2000
  42. “Is that Girl WALKING?” – Daily Prompt | Bits & Pieces
  43. Daily Prompt: Let’s Go Crazy, 07.03.14 | Markie’s Daily Blog
  44. Fallen fancy | shame
  45. no direction home, a complete unknown | eastelmhurst.a.go.go
  46. Daily Prompt: Let’s Go Crazy | Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss
  47. Daily Prompt: Being Impulsive! | All Things Cute and Beautiful
  48. I Dropped Out of Grad School To Become a Missionary
  49. Time for a little daydream.. | Raspberry’s Daydreams
  50. Impulse | The Land Slide Photography
  51. Taming Kittens | Real Life Co.
  52. Out of My Mind….(wp daily prompt) | Daily Observations
  53. Stark Raving Love | Black Ink Pink Desk
  54. Losing Money on an Impulse | A mom’s blog
  55. Daily Prompt: Let’s Go Crazy | Really Random Musings
  56. Think Before You… Oh Wait, Too Late. | meg lago
  57. Growing up a nomad, I always had a “go” bag ready for spontaneity, and possible (yet fashionable) zombie apocalypse « psychologistmimi
  58. I Broke The Projector…SSShhh Don’t Tell Anyone! | Life Confusions
  59. Reflecting on my Magic Kingdom Internship | The Bohemian Rock Star’s “Untitled Project”
  60. Meanwhile, on a Mountain Top… | Green Embers
  61. I’m # 1 (or What happens when you like your own WP Post) | Altared Egos
  62. The Road Calls | Random Words
  63. Impulse – The Daily Prompt
  64. Is it crazy to go against society’s expectations? | A New Life Wandering
  65. Hawaiian Paradise | Jaspa’s Journal
  66. One Decision that Changed My Life Course | Schizo Incognito
  67. Musings: A Little Crazy… | Mirth and Motivation
  68. Gone Sailing
  69. Impulse Control: The Price of Not Following my Own Advice | Bullshit-Free Zone
  70. Going too crazy! | Trucker Turning Write
  71. What Not to Confess to the Person You’ve Been Dating For 3.5 Weeks | Kosher Adobo
  72. Let’s Go Crazy – Ramblings from the Swamp
  73. Daily Prompt: impulse | That Montreal Girl
  74. Stories From My Mind
  75. Slow-Burning Impulse | Serial Distractions
  76. Shepherding in Europe | tuckedintoacorner
  77. The Things We Do At Conferences…. | RePrEsSeD ExPrEsSiOnS
  78. Quite possibly the craziest thing I’ve ever done! | browney237’s Blog
  79. Crazy for Thinking I Could Change Him
  80. Impulse Souveniring | djgarcia94
  81. Impulse. Maybe. ~ Daily Prompt | joannebest
  82. Crazy trips | Life is great
  83. Daily Prompt: Let’s Go Crazy – “Dance & Band” | A Midnight Blog
  84. A lesser-known hamster habit (Daily Prompt: “Let’s Go Crazy, Show Us Impulse”) | Photo0pal Photography
  85. Daily Prompt: Impulse | Lady K’s Lounge
  86. Keeps On Giving | Wiley’s Wisdom
  87. The Blog Farm | Musings: A Little Crazy…
  88. Daily Prompt 03072014: Let’s Go Crazy | Annie, are you OK?
  89. Daily Prompt: Let’s Go Crazy | Basically Beyond Basic
  90. Daily Prompt: Let’s Go Crazy | Nola Roots, Texas Heart
  91. Acting on impulse | Willow’s Corner
  92. Tradesmen’s Crossing | aliabbasali
  93. The way out, the waterway | Le Drake Noir
  94. If I could be anywhere | Fonts and Frosting
  95. [M.M.X.I.V. 67] Elevators | Never A Worry
  96. How I Got A Book Published “On Impulse” | The Political and Social Chaos Blog

SAVE ME – II

There she lay abreast the automatic sliding door of the hospital where she mumbled – SAVE ME!! She had dragged herself to there, was visibly out of breath and was quite sure, she felt no air around her.

The guard wasn’t available but the receptionist Rebecca who had quick eyes, spotted a body at the front door.  She ran and cried out for someone to help her pick the body up. Satisfied that the injured was still breathing, they quickly moved the patient into a secluded ward where she underwent her inspection for external injuries. While calling the head doctor, the juniors started to do the needful with tears in their eyes resigned to her oncoming fate. She wouldn’t survive – was a tale being told by their sorry eyes. Amongst the frantic screaming and calling, she broke the silence – “Please call my husband” – and fainted again. A phone fell out of her hand and the staff quickly found the number of her husband who was immediately called.

The husband who had run scared, around the city all night, petrified by what may have happened, picked up the call –

“Hi, I’m Rebecca calling from Sanct Hospital at Samp and we have a woman who has saved your number as her husband. Could you please arrive here as soon as possible? She’s badly hurt.” Click!

A car screeched on the front drive way 10 minutes later and out jumped 2 men and ran towards the emergency ward. They knew the hospital well and didn’t seem to care for directions. Gaurav and Amit weren’t phased by the security guard who had chased them since they had broken one of the barriers down at the main gate.

Amit entered the ward, found her unconscious, went close to her and with his fluttering hands, he touched her forehead. She didn’t move. He bent down to get closer, touched her hands unrepelled by the stink, all he felt was a sorry saga on her injured body. He immediately understood what may have went down.

How could he wake her up? Her sleep now was killing him. He started rubbing her cold hands too frightened to try anything else. He could see everything around but could feel only her. He knew she will wake up but how? He dug his right hand behind her neck, picked her up carefully and kissed her nape. He felt a pressure on his other palm. He slowly picked his head and saw her eyes fluttering desperate for a vision. He moved in front of her and she had tears of pain. He knew it all but all he could say was – “Baby, it’s gonna be alright!” She fainted again. He dropped her hands and ran for the doctor who had created a commotion outside.

“I can only start the treatment when the cops have arrived. I can’t touch or analyze her till I have a written permission from the police. She may still have clues on her about what may have happened.”

Amit replied – “She will die before they arrive. Why is she not being taken care of? You want money, here have it all but start the god damn treatment.” He pulled out his wallet.

He went on to  shove the doctor inside the ward with all his power with Gaurav and all other shell-shocked staff looking on. He was just way too frightened to respond to Amits call for help. When he did come to his senses, he stood as the guard outside the ward to not let any unwanted person inside. Both the men understood, the best way to handle this situation is to not let it get out of their hands.

Amit registered the patient as Maya. The cops hadn’t reached and they could still decide, depending on how Maya was doing, whether to register a complaint or not. He went in. Another hour passed and no cops had shown up. They were all starting to lose hope. Gaurav meanwhile ran for the cops.

Suddenly Maya woke up again. Amit was staring deep into her eyes. Both of them had tears rolling down their cheeks, not of pain but love. She knew she was safe now. Amit saw the unwavering strength in her eyes and got convinced of her survival. All he had to do now was to get the moron doctor on her case to start inspecting her for internal injuries. She slept again.

Amit started – “Doctor, even if the police don’t come in soon enough, you aren’t destroying any evidence. Please for Gods sake start the investigation for internal injuries”.

Doctor answered – “As much as you care about her, I do too but this is a big hospital and we have protocols to keep up and in such cases we can’t touch her before we have cops here.”

Amit was furious and shouted – “What if she dies?”

The doctor looked at Amit whose hands were trembling with fury and Gaurav who had now entered the ward to give a helping hand. Doctor picked up his cell and called his superior who told him to start the investigation remaining very careful to not let any evidence get destroyed.

Maya was then moved to ICU and even in her sleep looked assuring about her will to live.

———————————-XXXXX————————————

To read the first part, please click here – SAVE ME – I

This is my first ever attempt at serious writing. I know it may not seem much and seem much less than what our seasoned bloggers may have achieved, but please try to give all your feedback. I would appreciate every comment and feedback, good or bad and try to improve in the coming parts in the series. Thank You for reading this. Cheers!

What is Fear?

The clear answer should be – fear can be defined as the state of mind in which brain doesn’t allow the body or heart to perform certain tasks because of its intolerance to certain known consequences.

Correct me if I’m wrong people.

The next question I get in mind is – how do I use fear? If it’s so associated to our mind, there must be a way to use this state of mind for some profitable results. For me fear has a solitary result – the drive to get over it. I can proudly say it too – after a time during which I can analyze my fear, I almost inevitably get over it ‘coz I have then given my mind to analyze all the possible actions to counteract it and all the possible consequences. I think it would happen to most people.

But what if some people can’t get over a fear? Some dreadful images or situation just takes some people back to that moment when all that see is their fear. Would it then need some psychiatric help or can self-control help them?

We (me and my wife) went through something that has changed the dynamic of our relationship forever and at least I now know in my mind and heart that I will not be able to tolerate some particular situations because my mind would never know how to react to those situations? Is this fear or only anxiety taking over my mind and deluding it from seeing the obvious truth? Has it happened to anyone else out there?