In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Singular Sensation.”
How I wish someone of my taste reads everything I write and tries to know me better. He/She needn’t be a genius. Just a concerned, conforming and an inquisitive person.
I need someone who wants to understand and know the thoughts that occur in my head randomly. They needn’t have the ears but must have the eyes to see through to inside. Every gaze must acknowledge me. It’s not the approval I seek, just a conscious effort to calm a very anxious mind. The nerves that never settle, always need a calming influence. Someone who understands the sweaty palms and the floundering words. The eyes that fail to look into others eyes and the lips that fail to break into a smile.
I just wish for a voice to break into one of my dreams and foretell my path. One that balms every single hurt that pegs me back. Erases the memories of the people who’ve pretended to care for me, never did and never could… simply never had the time. One that makes me forget the people who only remember me on special occasions except for real friends who have my consent to call me when they want to. I just wish for a real well-wisher that can tell me what to do without setting any expectations.
I just wish to laugh again knowing full well that they won’t ask me,”Why so happy today?”
Don’t we all want happy faces around us all the time? We are all selfish and in turn want to share the communicable cheerfulness to brighten our own days. Grumpy looking people often make for a bad viewing and… company. Happy people share jokes, make us laugh, spread positive energy with their infectious smiles, and even make some unhappy ones seriously jealous. But have you ever thought why some of us are permanently grumpy? Don’t you think that they too want to flex their cheek muscles at least once every day and smile for a change?
Yes, I am grumpy. I’m told by people that there are, at max, 4 expressions that they’ve seen me wearing. I haven’t practiced them in the mirror. I just look that way. It’s, in all practicality, impossible for me to stay happy and smile all the time, for from time to time, the realities of life keep dawning upon me. Earlier my problem was I wanted to keep everyone else happy. I failed! Then someone, a few years back, told me to start thinking about myself and now my problem is I want to keep myself happy. I’m not fairing any better here as well. My sofa needs cleaning. I need new mattresses. I need a new seating arrangement for my PC at home, new chair and table, more ergonomic. I need to get the engine on my bike repaired and blah blah! I know you don’t want to hear it but that’s precisely how grumpy people talk, BEAR IT!
So what exactly does grumpy mean?
– Bad-tempered and sulky.
– Crabbed; annoyed and irritable.
Synonym – Crotchety!
Just like the way happy and cheerful people have days when they are sad and depressed, we, the grumpy ones; have days when we are Happy and Cheerful for once. It’s difficult for us to leave our comfort zone. Deep down we love the way people hate us, despise us, want to hurt our face so bad, that we look even grumpier. But that’s where we WIN every day. For no one hits us. No one can do a shit about the way we look or behave. All that they can do is look away which is precisely what we want – no attention! It serves me better that I’m introvert as well.
There are several emotions, aren’t they? We sift through plethora of them every day – from happy to sad or angry or empathetic in matter of seconds. It’s these emotions that often drive our moods. These emotions change the way we perceive our world, see its colours, and hear its sound – basically change the way we feel it.
What I find most interesting though is how some emotions bring out the best in you while some doom you to obscurity. These emotions impact our will to achieve like no other person ever can. They impact our state of mind and the vibes coming from us in general. These emotions are quite distractingly very visible and are quite in-your-face.
My mother has one such emotion – anger. She cooks her best food when she is angry. Me and dad used to secretly wish for her to get upset and then cook (psst psst we still wish so). It used to start with an argument between them that I’ll never understand. They never made sense to me. They were so – worldly. Dealing with day-to-day issues that anyone of them could resolve in the blink of an eye. Anyways – food and anger! Yes, this is one complaint my mother always has when she is angry – she keeps saying she hates cooking. That how she hates every moment spent in the kitchen and yet, when she sees dad set the first foot across the threshold of its entrance to cook himself, she’ll jump in and prepare some of the tastiest drool-worthy delicacies, a human will ever taste – all in a fit of rage and knowledge that dad will ruin everything inside the kitchen. The chances of her screwing up the food then drastically reduce to zero. I think most women will relate to this feeling!
And that brings me to my question – what’s the emotion that brings out the best in you?
Mine is anger and I guess this is something my mother has unknowingly rubbed onto me. I think clearer when I’m angry. I say better when I’m angry. My focus dramatically increases even when I’m venting out my anger on something completely unrelated to the real problem. I invariably end up doing all the right things when my hands are shivering with angst. The only problem is – that’s also the only time I’m thinking just for myself and in those on-the-thread moments, I end up hurting a few people.
Okay, then what’s the emotion that brings out the worst from you?
Mine is happiness. Yes, that’s the reason I’m grumpy. Happiness brings out my concern for others which in today’s world, is quite unappreciated. People start to think that I’m interfering with their lives when in the first place they are the ones sitting in my home, sipping beers, and sharing the sorry state of their sorry ass world with me – the most unconcerned person on this planet. People for some reason don’t understand genuine sympathy or empathy now. They fail to acknowledge an unselfish concern for their well-being but who can blame them. We all get ditched so many times and in so many ways, we can’t even rely upon ourselves to trust others and find their true motives, rest aside the chances of us believing anyone else for our good.
I guess I’m searching for unadulterated love, for my love even for myself isn’t enough pure!
A sense unknown.
A smile resulting from a smile.
A story so cute, you can’t shut the teller up.
A moment so selfless.
A sensation so unadulterated.
A pet pal, overjoyed at your return.
A wife sleeping so sound.
A face so calm yet sure.
A heartfelt greeting.
A voice that whispers in your ears in the morning – “Wake up sweet heart!”.
A joke that tickles the child in you.
A note that fills your day with bloom.
A song that parallels the days feeling.
An inspirational moment.
A moment of pure genius.
A tear of peace from silence in the heart, in the mind, in the air.
That’s Happiness for me.
Whatever it is, it’s definitely a feeling I forgot a long time back, and I can only guess if that’s happiness I remember. That night of rejoice, of yelling till the throat hurt, of hugs, of tears, of satisfaction. These days, elation simply causes high blood pressure. I can’t breathe. It’s been so long that things went my way, simple enough granting of wish sounds like happiness.
Is elation, happiness? Is happiness a milder form of elation?
Here are the definitions from the web for the two words –
an exhilarating psychological state of pride and optimism; an absence of depression.
state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.
I think both point towards an absence of depression. Just that elation specifically involves a sense of “ME” where happiness is a general term for a plethora of emotions that may or may not involve a smile. What do you think?
I’ve had the best day of the past 7 years. They’ve been rough. They’ve degraded my mind, my thinking, and my personality. They’ve killed a lot of my ambitions and some of my body parts too (not that one though, don’t think dirty)!
But 14th of March 2014 will forever embolden me. Today, after a real struggle lasting 4 years, is the day I finally break into the Indian financial market again. Finally the credit bureau CIBIL recognized my credit worthiness. Finally my buying power soars – again.
I’ve made mistakes, but no more. I’m smarter and I’ll behave smarter. My decisions will now make an impact on the lives of all my favorite people – for better!
This incidentally is also the day when two of the greatest Indian batsmen Rahul Dravid and VVS Laxman broke the 15 test match Australian winning streak in 2001 in Kolkata. That was one of the greatest rescue acts ever in test cricket. It was day 4 when they batted through the day and not only saved the match for India but led them to a 171 run victory!
This day now has now witnessed two such acts – one saved a test match in cricket and the other saved a test match of life.
Quit? No quit. I’m so bad at getting used to things on the first place that quitting never becomes a question, except for a few habits that need quitting but I haven’t made serious efforts to quit yet.
My bad habits include chewing Rajnigandha pan masala (that according to ads will kill me someday) and thinking out loudly (during my college days, my friends used to tell me that they could hear me thinking) and there is another one but I can’t reveal it (adult content).
I did make a serious effort once to quit pan masala and it lasted really long. I went cold turkey on it. Just one day I woke up and I felt like throwing up at the mere thought of eating it again. And so it stopped. I then started a foray into a very healthy lifestyle. I joined a gymnasium, ate my breakfast and watched what I ate. It was torturous at first to “think and eat” than “eat and think”. But I got used to it. That persisted for 6 months. But somehow bad things have a habit of making their presence known and it started again and hasn’t stopped ever since. I’ve tried giving it up again and again using different methods, most of them were gradual but the lust for it in my mind just doesn’t ever evaporate. So now I have given up on giving it up.
The other habit, I don’t think its too bad. Just that I have now come to believe that the rage inside my head has lost it’s bounds on volume of its screams. And hence, I may mumble out what I’m thinking. I’ve never asked anyone, how do I look when I’m doing that but that’s more because I don’t care what they think. I am often seen nodding my head in affirmation or otherwise, my expressions often change when someone is talking to me and I’m least interested in his blabber because I have more important stuff going inside my head. The latest observation was given by one of my three best friends. He returned home from US for a vacation this December and we hung out for sometime. All he had to tell my wife was – “He goes into sudden coma. You don’t know if he’s even listening”.
You know, a friend of mine once told me that these involuntary actions occur when the link between your physical existence and mind breaks. Your body doesn’t always follow what your mind tells you to. And I somehow connected with him then but I can’t think now how it actually happens?. The way he thinks is – if he forgets something very routine, he says ,”What happened? When did I sleep?” I can’t get it in my head. He is into all those spiritual things and its examples, completely ignorant of intricate realities.
So, have I ever made any attempt to curb this urge of mine to think loudly?
Do I want to?
– No! I don’t find it even minutely bothering while it does bother people around me. It does help my wife though. She can make out what I’m thinking about without me even telling her about it, a part of her I’m absolutely in love with!
Either ways, I am happy with the way things are and I think that’s whats more important. Happy ending? Endings are happy if it ever ends. Mines are yet to end. They’re all hung midway.
I can’t really remember when was I last happy!
I really can’t remember when I was last satisfied!
Warning – This may turn into a rant pretty fast!
Can your aims themselves turn into stumbling blocks for your happiness? The day I took the decision to write “A Blog A Day”, was the last day I was free and not tired. Damn this schedule is ruining my head and amidst the work that I get done in the day, I have to watch out for any topic that might evoke my interest to think about it. But all that pops up in my damn mind are – ridiculous code review comments, are they even valid and how do I avoid them in the code I’ll write next. Topics!!!!???? Please will you just smoke yourselves out of some window and land on my table? How difficult can it be but trust me, it truly is plus the difficulty in getting me inspired by any idea? It just shows how less I learn in my current office.
Oh yes… I started with something then haywired out of it… Aims and them turning into stumbling blocks!
Has any such decision, to do something constructive chronically and eventually making it a habit, itself become a burden for any of you? I heard a story somewhere and this is how it goes –
“There was once a very famous philosopher who loved reading, loved books and cherished collecting them. He started nurturing a dream of building his own library, full of his favorite books, at a tender age of 7. He read and read and collected and collected when at age 27, he had finally built a library inside his room. He kept on building it for next 10 years when one day he had a huge hall in the center of the town full of his favorite books – his own public library.
But one day, a fire in the library burned all his collection to ashes. He stood outside the burning hall, very silent, pondering, when someone asked – “How do you feel when you’ve lost such a treasure?”.
He replied – “Relieved!”.
I guess the moral of the story is quite clear and so is the intent of narrating it. Now some may argue why should it become a burden if it’s something you love to do so much?
Well lets delve deeper and divide the discussion into three items –
A. Things that you love to do but can do away with when you get bored
B. Things that you would love to do because that’s what makes you happy
C. Obsessions, case in point OCDs
Now, we can safely leave C aside for they are mandatory.
But A and B have a grey area wherein someone might start with B but end up at A or vice versa. The story I just narrated was a 30 years long journey from B to A.
The situations in our life change so fast that the love for some of our things may perish but a habit always persists. No matter how much you control, habits tend to present themselves at the oddest of times. I’m not talking OCDs here but simple things you do mindlessly. For I have one – I always walk like a rook on a chess board – 2 and a half – 2 to the front and then the next step right beside it. I don’t love doing it, it just happens. That’s how my mind signals my legs to walk on tiles. These things don’t make us good or bad because they are inherent. We have them ‘coz we can’t change them.
What makes us good or bad are our aims and our will to pursue them till we achieve the desired results.
Did I meet my goal for today? I hope so.
Any more theories?
MERRY CHRISTMAS to all of my fellow bloggers and everyone around the world! And to all of ’em who aren’t reading or blogging till the start of the new year, HAPPY NEW YEAR too!!!
It’s surprising that something inside me has always got me attracted more to Christmas than has Diwali or Holi!
But a bunch of really happy pictures… reminded me of my own wedding and the madness that surrounded it!