My Shadow of Doubt

I’m a 125 kg man. 6ft in height. Good enough shoulders and a pot belly. In many a countries I’m overweight and some might argue to make me book 2 tickets just for myself to fly around. Just Kidding – I’m not that fat or am I? Don’t know and don’t care.

I can’t care less about my looks. It’s not a case of a scared and suppressed man who’s heard and hates the word ‘Mota’ (Fatso) way more than his own name during the course of his life. Even if the latter part is true, I believe no amount of ragging, nudging, pushing, or loathing can subdue the inner spirit that says nothing is impossible. This is no delusion. There are times though when I think, what it would take for me to prepare for the inevitable, that last ray of light that gets noticed in my head, the moment I realize that I’m eventually unprepared for the worst. How do you prepare for it? In this dynamic world with all sorts of things loose on the streets that can kill you any second, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for the last light or the last night.

I may not know the answers to some questions and yet, I believe that they aren’t tough enough to figure out. I’ve seen enough competitive years to know that the times when you are stuck is nature’s way to bring forth the lessons that you may have missed while dealing with the course that nature itself designed for you. I’ve been chubby and to an extent – fat for my age. I was born heavy, lived heavy and am surviving (rather well) heavy. I hate figuring out the measures of my blood or the proteins or carbohydrates. I hate thinking that I am sick. If I ever am, trust me when I say this, the news WILL fall on deaf ears like it always does. I don’t plan to live long. It’s never at the back of my mind. I don’t like and want the funny things that come with some spectacular end. I don’t want money. As long as I survive on my own, I’m glad to have not bothered a soul with my issues. To those whom I’ve already bothered with my existence, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there when I truly needed you for without you, my boat wouldn’t have had the wind it needed to set sail.

So whats the point of this post? I know you’ve all heard this message a trillion times before. However, I’m trying. I’m trying to start believing in the figure I see when I look into the mirror. It’s an exercise some of the new souls in my life are having me do. They say acceptance is the key for me. I want to start a new, reinvigorated and stress free journey, one that fulfils my dreams and mine alone. I don’t see anyone becoming a part of this voyage, for I can’t see far. But I believe that if there is a part wherein another soul has to intervene, they will know their purpose and will only add new meaning and colors to it. Everyone has to start somewhere. I refuse to see this world in the way it comes to me. I see a lot of good happening and this shall forever be my endeavor – to see good for that’s what invigorates me. I will go beyond the damning filth that’s always presented first, to find the truth and whether it’s worthwhile to pursue. I will not stress to find what doesn’t concern me.

I will strive to find what’s right for me and will not be lazy. I aspire to create a vibration, a flow of light that truly defines my purpose (yet unknown). I invite the energies that are destined to become a part of me.

I aspire to erase this shadow of doubt that destroys the purity of my form. I’ll follow my gut.

Stronger Roots, Better Crop

Got told a story today and here’s how it goes –

There was once a farmer who had spent all his life worshipping God. He was a good man who had earned respect with hard work. One day, the God got so happy with his dedication, he showed himself to the farmer and asked him – “Tell me a wish you’d want true”.

The farmer humbly replied – “I want you to empower me with the control of air, water, soil and light for next 6 months so I can get a better crop this year. I seriously believe that you are a pretty dumb farmer else you would never bake my fields with sun when I planned to plant the seeds or blow them away with the wind when I try to get them to stand up”.

God replied – “OK. Done”!

The farmer worked day in and out to give this crop of his, all the special attention it needed, shielded it from hard sun, harsher wind and killer rain. 6 months later, he looked at the most amazing crop he had ever seen. It grew taller, bouncier and hell, even shinier!

He decided to take a closer look. As he examined it, he found that the crop was empty. There was no produce, just plants. He got angry and frustrated and as he had used up his 6 months, God appeared.

He then asked God what went wrong when he had taken care of the crops like his own babies. God replied – “You know son, you did everything right except for the winds. I blew your crop with winds, so they could dig deeper in every direction and have stronger roots. Stronger roots means better produce. Therefore, your crop is shallow for it never got the winds that could make it stronger”.

——****——

Moral of the story –

Stronger roots may yield shorter plants but they are stronger as they have faced their share of challenges.

You know how you can relate to it, for it’s like raising a child himself. You see that little creäture and as a parent, you give the best cover possible. You save him, serve him, fulfil him, take him away from dangers all the while making him weak. I remember I’d never tasted mineral water till I started travelling alone. I was 18 then.

Challenges and rightful fights build character. They build heart and strength. My father let me take care of my brother from an age, the number of which I can’t even remember. It taught me a lot. Respect, love, and holding hands when it mattered. It built in me an understanding of people and relations. I’d know who’d stand for me and when. I learned to stand alone. A better crop.

Poem for my blog

My LIFE has just so many

WRONGS to right,

I MAY just someday

LOSE this fight,

But WHY should my blog suffer

from my PLIGHT,

LETS just walk

towards the LIGHT.