What does a Reward mean?

A ruffle of your hair,

The eyes of the feigning clappers,

Eyes that ooze jealousy when your name is read out.

A pat on the back,

A sudden turn of the heads,

Heads still bewildered while you answered first.

The adoring parents,

Shouting out loud in the audience,

Realizing their son played a role none in the crowd was capable of.

Those happy rides home,

After the parents teachers meet,

The opportunity to brag.

Gifts Galore.

A peck on the cheek,

A kiss on the lips,

For she can’t hold herself back anymore.

She has to give in,

For she doesn’t see anyone but you,

A trusted beloved to share her life and love with.

——-********——-

As it turns out, my rewards are hardly derived from my elation. They are compounded by the emotions people around me portray through their actions. Anyone else recognize themselves through this post?

Reward of Love

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Reward.”

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This is my greatest reward. To place an unknown human being in my sphere of trust. To let her know she’ll never be alone again. The connection to Shiva though, is something only she can explain. 🙂

Stronger Roots, Better Crop

Got told a story today and here’s how it goes –

There was once a farmer who had spent all his life worshipping God. He was a good man who had earned respect with hard work. One day, the God got so happy with his dedication, he showed himself to the farmer and asked him – “Tell me a wish you’d want true”.

The farmer humbly replied – “I want you to empower me with the control of air, water, soil and light for next 6 months so I can get a better crop this year. I seriously believe that you are a pretty dumb farmer else you would never bake my fields with sun when I planned to plant the seeds or blow them away with the wind when I try to get them to stand up”.

God replied – “OK. Done”!

The farmer worked day in and out to give this crop of his, all the special attention it needed, shielded it from hard sun, harsher wind and killer rain. 6 months later, he looked at the most amazing crop he had ever seen. It grew taller, bouncier and hell, even shinier!

He decided to take a closer look. As he examined it, he found that the crop was empty. There was no produce, just plants. He got angry and frustrated and as he had used up his 6 months, God appeared.

He then asked God what went wrong when he had taken care of the crops like his own babies. God replied – “You know son, you did everything right except for the winds. I blew your crop with winds, so they could dig deeper in every direction and have stronger roots. Stronger roots means better produce. Therefore, your crop is shallow for it never got the winds that could make it stronger”.

——****——

Moral of the story –

Stronger roots may yield shorter plants but they are stronger as they have faced their share of challenges.

You know how you can relate to it, for it’s like raising a child himself. You see that little creäture and as a parent, you give the best cover possible. You save him, serve him, fulfil him, take him away from dangers all the while making him weak. I remember I’d never tasted mineral water till I started travelling alone. I was 18 then.

Challenges and rightful fights build character. They build heart and strength. My father let me take care of my brother from an age, the number of which I can’t even remember. It taught me a lot. Respect, love, and holding hands when it mattered. It built in me an understanding of people and relations. I’d know who’d stand for me and when. I learned to stand alone. A better crop.

When the Devils Danced and Fairies Cried

2013 – An year of the unforgettables.

As it comes to an end and I try to reminisce the rights and the wrongs, the successes and failures, the joys and sorrows, the heartaches and some not, the pains and pleasures – I stand ready to be emptied and filled again, like clay ready to mold, like water waiting to be filled in a jar.

Its been that kind of year. I am so depressingly filled with negative feelings that I wish I can be recreated, from scratch – born again to live free and then die again with no regrets. They are bursting to come out. Right people need to know but how will it reflect upon me? Will I stand vindicated? My experience says – No.

So, forget? I Can’t. Tried that too many times and lost.

So, do what? Quit.  I should seek my own space. But that once I’m done reminiscing this year.

The biggest event of this year for me was my siblings wedding, bringing a new member to our family, with cheers all around. He is all grown up now. Handles himself and his wife very astutely. Mom and Dad are mighty proud of him and so am I.

That being said, that has been the only happy event of the year. Rest has been intensely gloomy. The suffering that fate has unleashed upon my home has admonished us to think beyond the realm of possibility. We are broken from inside. She – more so. And yet my love for life stands so much more invigorated again, only the trigger remains unclear. I could start with a thousand things, but then there could be none too.

I turned 30 this year and life has become a parody of suffering, learning, rising, fighting and living. Lemme call this song “My Life”.

I don’t have a long time to live and I don’t wish to live long. I just want to have bombs of happiness dropped on me every 4 months or so to erase the pain inside or at least partly subside it.

Sachin “The God” Tendulkar retired – the second saddest event of the year. His farewell speech will always stay with me in my heart and the hearts of his billion other followers and so will his legacy. No cricketer can and will ever touch his greatness, his humility and passion for his game.

India finally now has had its hands on all the 3 ICC (International Cricket Council) Trophies – The Champions Trophy, The ICC World Cup and The ICC T20 World Cup – the only team to have done so till date. We are proud of you boys – keep going!

The people of Delhi finally came into their own this year with Aam Aadmi Party doing what no other party could do in the last 15 years of corruption – dislodge Congress. Too many scams, rising prices, rapes, molestations have finally forced people to look into a direction that aims to guide Delhi towards mending what has broken completely – trust on government. Lets hope things change quickly and for good and Delhi at least becomes a safe haven for women.

Emergence of Narendra Modi as the colossal giant is the single greatest challenge Congress will face with its reputation also taking a severe dent after the loss in the state elections this year.

I’m neutral but I want change. The Center requires someone who delivers on his promises without hurting peoples pockets. Prices are out of control. Living has become expensive and the way prices of the some of the most basic amenities spirals out of control is intolerable. Potatoes, tomatoes, onions, sugar. Rice, wheat get expensive with not enough storage to shelter the produce. Petrol price seems to have stabilized but I hope other energy products become cheap and available for public. I’m least happy with the situation for women in the nations capital. Nothing is being done to shelter the harmed and stop the harm itself.

Uttarakhand and Muzaffarnagar were two major incidents of the year that have led to massive life and property damages.  Clearly no one can be blamed for the former, for it was the natures retaliation to damage that we inflict upon it. But the other, clashes between castes and the other sects of Indian society, should have been averted. Taking advantage of peoples sentiments towards their religion is the worst thing we can do and we do it without any qualms. In this particular case, people are still dying without even a clear reason for the clashes. Stop it!

Lets make this new year to change our mindset for the better. Lets be happy, love each other, live our lives to the full and learn to take responsibility for your actions. We are the people who drive this nation. Keep it clean. Recycle. Try and curb pollution. Lets make this nation even more beautiful.

My Winter Solstice

I got enlightened today when I found out that the winter solstice is not the 23rd December but 21st December. I got enlightened further when I found out that most of the world considers it the most depressing day of the year. Well, it certainly is for me. Got my annual performance review rating yesterday and I am disappointed to my core. Personal front isn’t doing well too since past 2 months. A tussle here, a tussle there, no ones happy with anyone. No matter how hard I try things are just not moving along and I’m now hinging on some astronomical events of ginormous proportions to either shake me up and bring out ideas that can change my life. I’m trying really hard to get things straight but nothing’s working as things stand at a total stand-off.

I think I should quit. I should quit trying so hard for matters that can only be solved with patience and continuous self-introspection. And people around me should understand this. All of their problems are making me work my mind on things that take my focus away from doing productive work. Instead let me work with focus and blog as well. I want to write but creativity needs a lot of space and I need mine.

My responsibility in all of this will be to take my head out from the shit I’ve put it in and start clean and fresh. Try and be happy and see the positive, more colorful side of life that I’ve prefered to completely ignore.

Only Stronger

Am I hurt? Can I be hurt? Seems I’ve gone indifferent. All the worldly possessions just don’t seem to matter anymore. A day like yesterday should hurt me. It used to. I remember life since I opened my eyes to the world. Those unforgettable and rather regrettable days. Days I regret existed for they showed me true human faces of the gods I worshiped. I was blind then. For I persevered with ignorance. Turning my face away from reality to choose false love.

I’ve cried but not like yesterday. Only a couple of times has it happened that crying has relieved me but never once has it allowed me to be resolute. That changed yesterday. I’m about to make a decision that’ll change my life forever. I’ve got to let go of true love to embark on a journey to find it again. It’s not working anymore. And I’m not giving up. Just giving in to the soup life has put me into. It’s a hard decision but it had to come to let me find my true self. And as someone has told me – I need to enjoy my life more.

This is not the Diwali I wanted and yet again I’ll never forget it for it’ll change my life forever.

Don’t know how tough it’s gonna get but all I need are best wishes and a lot of support from quarters I least expect it from. ‘Coz I’m heading back to where I came from – Only Stronger!

Change

One evening.

Elena said,”I talked to brother Prince today. He asked me to move to Mumbai for a while to give me a change of locality. A fresh locality just might give me some relief from my recurring nightmares from the accident”.

Sam replied,”Even I have thought the same. It’ll freshen you up and keep you away from all the shit you are going through and may even pavé a better way for you to increase your business, Mumbai being the BOLLYWOOD!”

Elena,”Prince said he could look out for a better apartment than the one he now lives in as he could now have a stable house if I am moving in with him. Also as I would move out from Delhi, you could shift to a smaller house and we can save a lot of money from it which could add to our savings. I will take some stuff from here which you won’t need as you would be alone and we can save some money from that too”.

Sam replied,”But you should keep a deadline for yourself. If you aren’t able to do well for yourself by then, you will leave Mumbai and move to our home town and look to set up whatever business you can set up there. You will also then be able to look after both our parents. That way they’ll be happy, you’ll be happy and they’ll also help you manage your financials. But then this is the last option you’ll have. I’m sorry but we can’t afford any more chances after Mumbai for your business to grow up as we’ve failed a lot and it has cost us a lot of money. We need to move on with our life to better pastures”.

Elena replied,”Yeah I second you. If I won’t be able to do it in Mumbai, I guess it’ll be time for me to look for smaller and more beneficial deals than setting up a business from scratch and that way I would get to stay with our parents for a longer period”.

Next noon.

Elena called Sam and screamed,”You know what? Screw that plan. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t have any money to settle there and don’t yet have any contacts that can help me start my influence in the industry. I won’t be able to do anything there. I should just probably stay at home and cook food and take care of our home!!!”.

Sam stayed quiet as she hung up the phone.

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Easier said than done I guess.

Marriage. A bonding of 2 souls. A conjoining of 2 bodies. It’s not a relationship (for relationships are farcical) but a lifelong agreement of two minds to put their own separate interests behind the interests of their unity, health and wealth.

What if the two are going through a phase wherein they are absolutely unable to help one another during the times of dire need? Both of them are helpless, for the world around them is falling apart and yet they refuse to let go of each others hands. They stand committed to die together and willing to make sacrifices not everyone around them would be willing to make. What if the sacrifice pushes them apart for awhile only to get together stronger and start their life on a stronger foothold than the one they previously started on?

Would you allow it or choose the easier option of simply staying together with limited means and with the hope that someday things will get better and they will eventually see a life they had together dreamt of? Shouldn’t we give ourselves enough chances to let us turn color our life in our favorite color?

Relationship

How good are we without a partner? How does a life partner help you? Do we use him/her for our purpose? Are we supposed to use them? Shouldn’t they give themselves to each other to live a prosperous and a love filled life? Aren’t there expectations? Should they be mandatorily fulfilled?

Do these questions even matter if you are in a successful relationship?

Marriages and not relationships are made in heaven!

Marriage is not a relationship. Never confuse them. Marriage is a bond of love, honesty, truth and respect for each other. A relationship is a meek form of attachment so people can just remind each other that they may in near future get concerned about you and may need you to get concerned about them.

It’s my brothers wedding and I’m so excited – so excited that I’m yet to get my happiness mood throttling at full rev. I’m elated to say the least to watch him do the things that I did 3 years ago. He has always followed my footsteps – something I will always be proud of. He hasn’t repented it and so won’t I. The girl is a lass from a simple family like ours. Marriage was always on the cards and so there they are – together waiting for the D-day and I am elated – yooo-hooo!!! Marriages really are made in heaven (if one ever existed)!

Yet all of it seems to have been stolen by the fact that I will have to meet so many people, all at one time, in a single hotel with a lots of rooms. It’s scary to say the least.

Why why why??? Why some of us (like me of course) are scared rather mortified to meet new people? Is it the fear of getting ditched leaving you heart-broken again feeling the sad state of the world around you? Is it the fear of seeing your parents in agony again when all that they want is everyone’s happiness and yet the world around them would dish out the smelliest shit there is? Why is no one ever happy with the arrangements done at a wedding? Could have done this, could have done that – how is it that everyone at a wedding is a sudden expert at arranging weddings? Why won’t they just understand weddings don’t happen many times in a home and mistakes (if any) would be a part of any extravaganza? Is it too hard to understand that a person spends his lives’ earnings on his son’s marriage only to earn further rebuke and from whom – people who left when he was in need of care and help, people who back bit him and bitch behind him when they got a chance?

Can love and truth truly be unarmed? Can true concerns ever sound like genuine concerns?

I doubt so. We have become too self-centred. In an age when a son is not necessarily of his father, how can you trust people remotely connected to you to be truly concerned? They may be concerned but are only about their own comfort.

I say fuck them and move on ‘coz they’ll never truly love you not even on your grave.

Look at the coincidence – as I write it, I’m listening to the song “Life is a roller-coaster” by Ronan Keating and it has a line worth mentioning –

Life is a rollercoaster just gotta ride it.

Oh and let me dedicate this song to my wife for today!!!