A Candid Revelation

Life doesn’t come without its share of surprises. Everyday you face brings a certain level of predetermined exhilaration. The level is decided by a few limits in my opinion:
1. The decision on what is your short-term goal.
2. The dedication to your short-term goal.
3. How much do your short-term goals satisfy your long-term goals.
4. The will and the strength to meet your short-term goals.
5. The deadline date to your short-term goals and the time left to meet them and subsequently the long-term goals.

Did I have any type of goals, leave alone short or long? Life was very easy then – back when I completed my senior secondary examinations. And only God knows how much have I wanted to write about this time of mine. This is something that most of the people in India can correlate themselves to. Go to school. Have your share of fun with friends. Then came the hard part – spending time at home. Thank God that I had been admitted to a couple of tuition’s and thank God, I was pretty serious about all of them after faring a rather mediocre performance in all my engineering entrance examinations. I just never understood the seriousness of everything. I still don’t. Why was it so important to fare brilliantly in all your exams? Was it to show your son off to the society? Does the son’s performance even matter to the parents themselves? I really don’t think so. I was never very good with studies and I admit it. Till the time I could rattafy my answers, I was good, so much so that I was called “Intelligent”. But then, no one at all had thought about why I never asked questions. Had I asked questions, had I ever cajoled myself into socializing, I would have been a very different person. May be even a better person. But I was never pushed, never threatened. I was ignorant. I ignored the very fact that that way of my life could have a threatening effect on my life and that I never wanted to be such a person. I wanted to be in the limelight. Everyone wants some.

But why I never garnered it, can be answered only through self perception. I perceived myself as a person, who could have anything he wants but never had a craving for it. And I have always known that if I didn’t crave for something, I would never accumulate enough means to achieve it. Life had started to show it’s hard ways to me but I was yet to see the signs. Signs that would have told me a clearer way and guided me to self-satisfaction. I was never really shown the true picture of the struggle and all the talks about money and its use and my marks in my exams and their use were all talks that mattered a shit to me. This reminds me of a song performed by Audioslave – Be Yourself. It’s hard to believe but all my love for such songs was never there then. Anyways who cares. That’s a separate blog for a separate time. Just want to mention that I never fail to recollect my forgettable past every time I hear it. It clearly and so damn clearly says Be Yourself. Had I received an opportunity, I would have been a respectable writer somewhere or may be a percussionist but all those again are a part of my series of questions called “What If’s”. I won’t ask them to anyone else as they are all mine to be answered.

I have always thought that a mind never grows up. It just matures to fit into a head that we make. Big or small, smart or foolish and likewise. The larger the space that we offer to the brain, the better it matures. Think I never had that brain that so many others had. And that’s why no questions. Or may be I didn’t know enough to ask questions to enhance the knowledge that was out there. Knowledge that was not academic. It took me nearly 3 years to understand laws of physics and put them into associated mathematical formula’s and find an answer during which I failed in the subject quite disgracefully – once. Sounds simple – doesn’t it? But I never thought of doing it. Was it the fear of studying and failing in exams that kept me away from revealing myself and my inherent potential? No idea. I just don’t remember. I was disturbed.